Sunday, March 4, 2012

Kick Ass Class

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Mr. Magoo and Kick Ass Class
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
SuperStock_255-11960My daddy saw my blog. It was only a matter of time; I suppose. He made the direct request that I tone down my use of cursing  in order to show my true intelligence. Not that I could not curse… but less so. It is undignified, unladylike, and certainly not the behavior of a gracious lady.

200651_214816008533796_131901760158555_1004242_8283333_nI signed up for a Krav Maga classes. In case you do not know it is an Israeli defense system used by the Israeli military; that all Israeli citizens are required to serve in at least two years… even the girls… When I read that it did cross my mind that the other Muslim countries around them may not appreciate this equal treatment of women. Well damn would you look at that I solved a world problem in one sentence… or at least rooted out a potential source of the problem? (It should be known, that I am not a freaking moron I know my history and I know it is more than just equal treatment of women…. So please for the love of all that is sacred and holy do not lecture me in the comments.
129021984587479782This defense system has been taught to all kinds of military and civil servants the world over; once everyone noticed that the Israeli chicks (and I suppose the guys too) were all kind of bad ass.

It is also supposed to be one hell of a workout and stress reliever. I can tell you that just from the ten or fifteen minute “introduction” yesterday; I am sore in places I did not know I had muscles that could hurt and others I forgot functioned. This coming from a 20+ year veteran of the classical ballet world; in which I willing sacrificed my toe nails for grace, beauty, art, and love. Just do not ever ask me to keep a beat, or walk a straight line; I seem incapable of both off stage. MUST FOCUS…


Tomorrow night, Monday, 5th of March, I go for my first full class. Not sure it is good or bad but there is a significant amount of extremely hot mens in this place which is also a MMA training facility and a Cross Fit berry-break-7training location. It was like walking into a damn Abercrombie and Fitch photo shoot… Well except for that guy grappling on the floor with some other guys wearing what appeared to be and adult version of rubber pants you put on toddlers in an attempt to keep the bed dry… him… not so much. When I walked into this “intro” class there were only two other girls, and a group of hot guys. I was also ten minutes late because I went to the old location and not the new location. I hate being new and being late. It means everyone stares at you and thinks you are a dumbass. 
The packet of information given to you when you agree to sign up specifically asks that you be on time. Since the instructor is kind of terrifying I think it will be in my best interest to learn to be early. I also find it highly 777-32812574446fucking amusing that including in this paperwork is a section explaining that “coarse language” is often used in class “some of it will be by the instructor some of it by you. Fights are like this and training should reflect fights”. So here I am trying NOT to be cursing up a storm and now they want me to do it in public. Little do they know I can teach them a few things about coarse f-ing language. (See I am really, REALLY trying here)

I walk out of the training facility feeling all badass. Visionst2-014 of becoming all the kick ass women I have ever seen in movies or television wistfully flying around in my head. I even put on some hard rock on the way home. Badass women listen to hard rock right? Rob Zombie? 

img_milla_jovovich_e_os_filmes_de_resident_evilI don’t know. Up until yesterday I had never really hit anyone; I have told people I have in the hopes they would not hit me. I have been hit. (Due to my SUPERB choice in men… only one of them was Southern so perhaps there is hope, but he was extremely stupid and uneducated not sure how it happened…except we met in a bar… anyone noticing a pattern?) I have pushed people off of me, slapped and scratched but I do not see that as really fighting. Okay so I noticed a pattern and decided that I was going to break that pattern. Lay hands on me… fine I got yo ass.


I do worry for the poor people who will be in class with me and the moment they realize it may be Krav Maga but once I get started it will likely become Krav Magoo. mr-magooAll my visions of becoming Lara Croft Tomb Raider will be somewhere just out of reach as I am attempting to remember weak arm first, across the body, butt of hand… and about 72 other things they told us just yesterday and probably more tomorrow. Sweet Tea and Baby Jesus I may be in over my fucking head. I fear I will end up in the fetal position crying and cursing some really hot police man that will likely ticket me for just being a complete asshole wuss.


Apparently a lot of people in my life believe I have some repressed rage. Ladies do not express rage. Kill them how-to-draw-rage-face,-rage-face-tutorial-drawingwith kindness my mother always said. Momma never told me to break a person’s damn face if the kindness thing did not work. Which it usually did not; she said to just keep being sweet and people would love me. Translation: people will love you because you are total pushover and utterly controllable. This is sadly the world we live in. So yes, there are times that I have wanted to act completely different, but smiled sweetly and said something about bless-your-hearthow nice their (pancake) makeup is… and before I moved back to the south would tell them “Bless your heart” which in the south is essentially the lady like way of telling someone to fuck off. Cannot do it here or at least in private you are likely to lose hair. I think I will have listen to a lot of “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit on my way to class. That song always makes me feel like I should punch someone. Whatever works right? I did make the initial investment so I should go for the first month at least, or until they ask me to stop…

What happened to Fred Durst? Did Britney Spears have him killed for saying they hooked up? Why is Snoop Dogg in this video? Why does the girl flash her bra and hump the air? Remember the year 2000 when it was still kind of the 90’s and we still had hope that the 00’s would be just as awesome? We were so wrong.

xoxo ~ A


  1. As I sit here eating Taco Bell, I suddenly realized that after a VERY long day at work, that this is bar none, the highlight of my day. I love the captions and the video choice of course ROCKED (not shouting here...). Krav Maga is a bad ass class. Much more efficient for disabling/disarming an opponent quickly then a lot of other self-defense systems I have taken. I just wish I remembered more of what those Israeli soldiers taught me...May have to look into taking a class.
    Funny stuff here...but the first pic made me laugh my ass off...don't know why. Lol Good job taking that first step to a new you, Amanda. This first step is always the hardest, but you will do great.

  2. It's the "Father Knows Best" expression on his face and the pointing

  3. So I have never heard of that class, but man, now I want to take it! Maybe if we move out of the 'burbs into the city I will find a class like that. And I am a tad glad that your dad read your blog. I was avoiding it on Sunday.... and now I don't have too. :)

    1. Less cursing... more... whatever it is I do. I guess now that I have to curse at people who are fighting me, out loud, in public... I won't need to let it out on my blog as much.

  4. That was great! Me and chris got a kick out of it! Thanks for sharing!! :)

    1. Well then I fully expect to see you both here more.... you can be my eighth and ninth readers! only one away from 10! woo hooo!!!!!!!