Friday, March 9, 2012

Princess of Poo and the Queen of Crap

Princess of Poo and the
Queen of Crap
Some of my friends that read this blog may already be crap hataware and some of you who are paying attention and not just scanning the blog or looking at the pictures or just clicking on the page because I harassed you into it; I have Crohn’s disease.
There I said it. Out loud. Literally I said it out loud as I typed it; I typically type out loud to myself because I am that annoying person who does those sorts of things. Griffin, the dog, seems to love the sound of my voice as he snores and licks his dogly bits. I think he finds my voice soothing. Anywho… I figure thesnl sooner I put it out there the sooner it is no longer an issue and you can run away screaming now. I have pooped my pants as an adult… more than once. None of those times were intentional; and in all but one case not a full on baby pant load.
Nobody likes to talk about poo, dookie, cow patties, poop, dung, excrement, manure, feces, crappy craps and/or just shit. I was one of those people. christmasmrhankeyTalking about poop rates right up there with discussing my recent pap smear; if you are male then that’s like talking about your last prostate exam. No one wants to discuss thoseTHE SIMPSONS.  Dr. Nick Riviera on THE SIMPSONS on FOX.  ™©2002THE SIMPSONS and TTCFFC ALL RIGHTS RESERVED  ™©2002FOX BROADCASTING  CR:FOX sorts of things; bathrooms have doors for a reason, right? Once Crohn’s enters your life there is no avoiding this topic; ever again. In fact the topic becomes kind of main-stream. You start discussing poopies with everyone; the nurses, the doctors, the medical assistants, your family, my dog as he sits and stares at me… because to him a closed bathroom door is an obstacle meant to be overcome.
The first time I ventured on a date with a guy after learning of my Crohn’s disease and still in deep denial about the entire ugly thing. I had that weird crampy feeling hit.woman-menstrual-cramps The one I now know means to find an alone place. This guy was really kind of cute, he had just bought the SUV we were riding in and he was super proud of it. A bit too freaking proud of it if you ask me; it was really nice… it had heated and cooled seats. I did not even know that was a possibility, but apparently leather seats can have holes tiny holes punched in them in order to force cool air through the seat. Pretty damn nifty on a hot day.
We were stuck in traffic; the bad traffic of the disorganized roadways of the south mixed with a shitload of people who think they are NASCAR drivers traffic jam charlotteand a bunch of Yankees who think that the horn must be mandatorily honked at certain intervals. I have yet to figure out what this does, or how it affects traffic but they are running around out there. You know by the finger they hold out the window at you when you do not return the “horn greeting”. Maybe that’s what it is… a form of communication that we more genteel Southerners have yet to learn? Hell, what am I saying I am sitting here typing about shit.
I lean across the rather impressive console of the massive SUV that may in fact have had a bathroom somewhere in it, trying not to touch the knobs and buttons and thingies on console and very politely asked this young man to pull off onto the shoulder. There were a copse of trees nearby and I had at least thought ahead enough that I had some wipes in my purse. 5802572844_45e8134b12My thought was we would pull off I would excuse myself in my best drawl and take off running for the trees. He looked at me as though I had lost my damn mind. In fact he said
“Have you lost your damned mind?”
“No, but I need to use the ladies room.” I replied
“There are no ladies rooms out here, you will have to wait.”
More cramping; I knew waiting was not going to be an option much longer. I had yet to broach the subject of crohns_disease_cool_kids_flyer-p244748790524820213z85cm_400this ailment with this guy because as I previously mentioned no one likes to talk about crap. Also I had not yet figured out quite how to explain it to people, most people have never heard of it.
Crohn’s is an auto immune disease, in which the immune system spends all of its time attempting to kill off your digestive system. You can be affected anywhere from289530145v2147483647_480x480_Front_Color-Black_padToSquare-true mouth to ass; it is painful. It is a precursor to cancer. The disease varies greatly from person to person; my Crohn’s is not another person’s Crohn’s. Due to its relation to immune systems anything can affect it… stress, anxiety, diet, illness, depression, sudden weight gain or loss, allergies… you name it. Yes it is spelled Crohn’s because it is named for Dr. Crohn that discovered it. That is it in a nutshell. I invite you to visit the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America’s website for more information if you wish to know more.
So I cross my legs and start praying… Sweet Baby Jesus please either let this young lad pull off the roadway, allow me to be able to hold it, or teach this mother trucker (see I cleaned that up for you) a lesson he won’t soon forget. God heard my prayer.
Moments later, my guts made a noise that is truly unforgettable. It sounds something like a dying animal, crossed with the howls of labor. The look on the SUV guy’s face was fucking priceless. freaking-outI had then resigned myself to what was about to happen and that a second date was not gonna happen. Hell the first date hadn’t even happened yet. Then it happened.
I could no longer hold back the tide. I just sighed; it was a bit of a relief. Sheer terror and sweat was all I could see on the guys face as I filled his beautiful air cooled leather seats with well… poo, lots and lots of poo. Some of it even got on his console, carpets, and I think the little door cubby hole. The scream of horror that erupted from his mouth was not one I will repeat here, and you know that must be something for me to be embarrassed to say it. He then pulled off the road. I sat in the seat freaking-outsmiling smugly as he came running around to my side and opened the door; I assume he wanted to better assess the damage. He did not even have his permanent plates yet, this was a very new vehicle. He asked me why in all that is sacred and holy would I shit in his car. I corrected him and said
“No, I have now shat in your car. I did ask you politely to pull over.”
The tantrum was worth millions. I only wish cell phones at the time had video cameras like they do now. I could be a billionaire. Nothing could be done there on the shoulder of the road. So he rolled down his window and drove like a bat out of hell up the shoulder batand took me home. I waddled out of his car; hoping to keep as much as I could still in my pants… I really had done as much damage as this asshole deserved. I had also managed to shift my weight around enough that I am fairly certain I got enough in his “air cooled seat holes” that his car NEVER smelled of new car again. I offered to go change and help him clean up. It really was the least I could do; I had did crap in his car. He just yelled some more non-repeatable explicatives at me as he sped away…. I hosed myself off and waddled into the house. Cleaned myself up, washed those trousers more than was likely necessary, and rarely ever wore them again. I just threw the shoes away.
I have never really told this story to anyone. Who would? I guess that is why this is a blog called Confessions…. So there it is my loves, I have shat myself before.

Worst possible parody ever… but better than the “Poop Song”…. so… here you go.

On a side note, in this still quite small town word got back to me that he eventually married a preacher’s daughter. When she told him she was in labor he wanted to wait just a bit to make sure. (Do you notice a learning curve here?) Well she gave birth in the back seat of his next new SUV… God does work in mysterious ways.
xoxo~ A 
PS: Learn more about Crohn’s and Colitis at


  1. LMAO!!! That was great!!! The asshole got what was coming for him!!!

    1. Some people do not listen and do not learn.... Sigh

  2. That is pretty funny, I would have expected him to at least say... can you hold it? Rather then be so awful about it. I hope he thought of you when his wife delivered in the back seat. You really need to find a better class of men to date.

    1. I don't think the severity of the situation crossed his mind until it... happened. I do need to find a better class of guy... but then I wonder what all I would write about? I look at it as each experience being a lesson God wants me to learn. The only thing I think he was going for here is acceptance. At this point in the process I was still pretty ashamed of having a disease. Once I knew what was going to happen and resigned myself to it I didn't feel shame anymore... Just an overwhelming need to shift my weight as much as possible on the way home...

  3. What a dillhole...I can't count how many times I've had to pull over somewhere for my date to utilize the facilities as it were. Nothing on the level that you recounted here, but I'm certainly sensitive enough to acquiesce to that type of need. Only a self absorbed ass would react that way. Not to make a bad pun, but shit happens. I have Adrian's with MS and the stuff that happens to her are so random. Sometimes she loses her sight, or her legs stop workin varies. Tracyp is right, you so need to find better guys than this one. Shat in his new truck...priceless. :)

    1. Shit does happen... mostly to me... so it isn't any worry for anyone else. LOL In my opinion I think he got exactly what was coming to him. Act like a shit head and get a load of crap. There it is...

    2. A friend^ with MS...stupid auto correct...He did get what he deserved. What a douchebag.

  4. I'm new to your blog and love it! I literally was crying reading this from laughing so hard. I wasn't laughing at you but with you. That guy was a d-bag and deserved it!

    1. Leah, Welcome! I am so glad you enjoy the retelling of this story. I hadn't ever told anyone about it before. Who would? LOL If you don't mind me asking what led you to my blog? I am fascinated by all the social media outlets I am spread into right now... so I love to know those things! Thanks for commenting! <3 A

  5. I agree, he got what was deserved. I have several family members with a requirement all of the fam either rent or owns a home with a minimum 2 bathroom requirement and when staying over more than a few days they bring there own TP to "chip in." So, I feel u