Thursday, May 24, 2012

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Toblerone and Snarky Science Experiments

Fair warning this blog is about to enter a new realm of things to discuss…

Alright in all serious snarkiness this topic means something to me. It should mean something to all you wonderful Belles out there! The matter seems to be getting out of control and I can no longer, with a straight face, feign any dismissal of men trying to explain why they get confused, or dislike…

THE GIRLIE AISLE.

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Something has happened on the lady aisle, something I find disturbing and a bit revolting. I find it so upsetting that I almost do not want to go down said aisle anymore myself! Yesterday I made that trip to Target to pick up some needed supplies for the upcoming TOP SECRET: OPERATION MOM’S BIRTHDAY… more on that later.

Then I remembered I should probably “restock” the stores my feminine products; you can honestly never have too many.

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I found myself on the infamous aisle of male shame and fear. Seriously it is like a black hole. black_holeI have seen men accidently turn down the aisle only to look like a stunned deer and freeze momentarily; you can see the wheels turning in their head as to what they can do, act casual, back away slowly, or if they have been shell-shockedmarried long enough… pick up the phone, call the wife and ask for a pic of the brand of preference so he MIGHT match it up correctly.

These days, however, it is becoming harder and harder to match it up, even for us ladies that have been going through this since puberty. It seems every time I make the trip to the girlie aisle everything has changed and thus the prices have gone up, because supposedly the technology is better. How much better or technologically advanced can absorption get? That’s really all we are talking about here right?

This time the Always brand has a new line called “Radiant”. Seriously? I do not know anything about how others feel about Auntie Flow… but there is nothing friggin’ radiant about it, for me. IMG-20120523-00059

See guys, if you are still reading here, this is something women do not typically discuss amongst themselves. We may know every detail of our friend’s sex lives, and the shape of their bikini line but we are not going to discuss our periods or our personal preference in products… and not with our mom’s either.

I am standing there looking at the radiant line packages… and they are all shiny and sparkly looking and several dollars more than the price of the old line; which is now suddenly as outdated as the iPhone 4. I find myself asking “What exactly is this going to do for me?” is this somehow going to make my period feel like glowing rainbows and unicorn glitter farts? Unicorns_Fart_Rainbows__3_by_thunderwolf900What exactly about this magnificent pad is going to be “Radiant”? Does it glow in the dark? That would be different… awkward but different. I mean you would be limited to where you could go with glow in the dark girlie products tucked up against you lady bits. There would be NO yoga pants or shorts in movie theaters… let us not even broach the terrible subject of what passes for leggings these days; which is frankly little more than panty hose.

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I venture a bit further past the new RADIANT display and find the not so new black boxes of the U line by Kotex. Not really sure what the idea behind that was, as the difference between the previous line of Kotex and the U line is simply packaging, and you can get it slightly cheaper on the lower shelf where it is not packaged in the special black boxes. Oh! They do have a new “Tween” line… The box is glittered…which leads me to wonder if we as a society are comfortable letting girls wear training pads like they wear training bras?katy-perry-last-friday-night-training-bra My mother once bought me a training bra , and I think she scared those puppies into non-development for a good decade or so. That is another topic, for another day.

Confused and irritated I turn to try my luck at tampons and I am presented with a larger plethora of options. Pearls, Sport, again with the Tween (in tampon form it really made my stomach ache), some claiming to be “organic” and recyclable which kind of freaks me out and now I find myself wanting to sit down in the middle of the aisle and rock back and forth crying.

In the interest of science and for the benefit of my readers I picked up a box of the new Radiant Infinity Pads and a box of the “Sport” tampons. The box actually says it is for bodies in motion… I am hoping they make me jump faster and run higher.IMG-20120523-00058

I searched for the Playtex tampons for the comatose or the paralyzed but they did not have that, I guess there is a specialty store or something. My point is, aren’t all bodies in motion? At least the bodies I would assume would be using tampons… I digress.

 

 

201_Sam_Jazz_HandsSo the Radiant box with all its sparkle and pizazz made me do jazz hands all the way to the check out. Also on the back are some SWEET instructions on how to take a plain white shirt and make it into a Radiant shirt by gluing some craft gems to it. In my old age…of 24-ish I thought is that not just “Bedazzling” and who needs instructions for this? People have been gluing shit to other shit for a really long time; instruction for this behavior usually begins with some macaroni and colored paper in preschool. No one need look any further than Etsy to find that the trend of gluing crap together did not ever die with the infomercials of the Bedazzler, but the box of radiant period pillows tells me this how to be radiant. Please note: at this time I have not made my radiant period shirt so my assessment of the radiant menstrual mattresses may not be entirely through.

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Sorry.

unicornThe wrapper of these magnificent Radiant Infinity pads is a happy little yellow shade with a wicked sweet design on it; I certainly felt so much more radiant just by looking at it. Oh and they were lightly scented it was like a box of Unicorn and Fairy breath was unleashed on the world. The inner wrapper gave me a direction as to which end of this dazzling feminine product was the front.

GOOD THING TOO… It shames me to admit how often I get that shit mixed up. Nothing like having your pad turned round backward; seriously though I once, did not get a pad stuck down correctly and it flipped back on me. Let me just say that is not an experience that is:

1. Describable and

2. Not something I will ever, EVER do again.

So far I have not had any of my hypothesized Radiant things happen. I have not floated, I do not glow in the dark (either all over or just radiating from my bits) it did not make my cramps magically stop and I have not seen any magical creatures. As I mentioned before though I have not fully joined the radiant sisterhood by making my bedazzled… shit, I mean my Radiant t shirt so maybe then…. I will have the full experience.

Today I have tried the Sporty tampons… because well I moved today. As I do most days… the sport aspect of the non-organic tampon was according to the box appropriate. I did not, however, actually play a sport.

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These period poppers are made of Rayon in case you have never actually read the boxes. I have now so you will never have to go there. Did you know that absorbencies of all tampon brands have been standardized? Sweet tea and baby Jesus who the hell had that job? The box also gives you a range of z212604990how many grams of absorption the sporty cork can hold. Which is helpful because I have a period gauge, I store it next to my rain gauge. Ladies please write me and let me know if you somehow know how many effing grams of “flow” you go through. I will retract all statements about the ridiculousness of knowing this. Instead of giving me grams how about you give me a chart that says:


  • Regular: for the days when you could really get by without feeling like you need to check every twenty minutes for leakage.
  • Super: for those days that you are thinking duct taping two together might make life easier.
  • Super Plus: for the days you will bleed to death without this rayon and/or cotton fiber, polyester and cotton string plug to keep it all in.

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I was also grateful for the clear instructions that clearly reminded me to change the Sporty Stopper and remove it when the monthly bill has been paid, so to speak. Then there was the long blunt warning page about all the horrible things that could happen should I forget about my Sport Cork. wine-corksBasically my Wahoo could fall off/out and have a seizure and then walk off giving me the finger. (*That’s totally not true… but because I tend to freak out when I read warnings like that… that is what I tell myself could happen*) There was no scent in this box which I found refreshing, because I was a bit worried about what Sporty might smell like….and whether I wanted that anywhere near my lady parts. There has to be a reason no one ever really liked Sporty Spice… Just saying.

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So there it is two fabulous reviews of two products that I know every woman with a vajayjay that has not seized and left her, uses. Perhaps it clears up some of the mystery of the aisle for the mens out there… basically it does not really matter what you buy her she probably will not like it. She is having her period for God’s sake women are happy with nothing during this time of their lives. Well to tell the truth I found myself perfectly happy when I found a huge Toblerone at check out. Honestly that was the most radiant part of this whole damn experience… I think I will go finish that bad boy off and wash it down with some Guinness.

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Always,

~a

Remember how awesome they were…. yeah well I suddenly did too.

3 comments:

  1. Yep. Still glad to be male!!! Thanks for re-affirming it for me!!!! I had almost forgot that reason!!! However, I am sorry about the pain it causes , because I know some women that get the worst cramps EVER and I really truly do wish no one had to go through those!!!

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    Replies
    1. Damn Eve and that apple.... LOL

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    2. I want the training bra story!!!!!!!!

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