Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Body Shapers and Pee Holes

 Okay, so let’s lighten things up around here a bit, yeah? 

Y’all my best friend, S, will be three hours away from me tomorrow! I have not physically seen her in person since around 2008 or so. I am going down to South Carolina,

It's a map with a pin it, stuck in Charlotte.

with my momma and Baby Belle in the hopes that we get to spend some time together.  She has never met my child and I haven’t met her new husband. We have a hotel room in the downtown area of the city we are going to, and I am just stoked. 

I have prepped for this hard.

I have gotten my hair and nails done, of course… that’s just a given, as a Southern lady worth her salt. Do not look at my toes, though, budget issues required that to be cut from the list. Yikes

I bought two dresses, one of them will be absolutely perfect for dinner or whatever, if it fits when it gets here tomorrow.  That’s the trouble with mail order clothing, you don’t know, what you don’t know.  That is, your version of an XL may not translate to their version of an XL. For some reason, measurements mean different things in different parts of the world. You can be damn sure that if it’s coming from China, it’s probably going to run really small. The insidious part is now some Chinese clothing makers are actually producing clothing that’s true to size… so now you don’t know what the fuck size to order anymore. I think this is part of the Chinese people’s  scheme to slowly drive Americans crazy, uh, crazier.  

For example,  I ordered a body shaper to go under these dresses. I have to look snatched when I see S, okay? Looking at the measurements, I was an XXL, and the website insisted that’s what I would be. Whew…. Okay, so I ordered an XXL. It arrived, and holy shit it fit! Perfectly. Made in China clearly printed on the label.  I do try to buy local, but I needed this quickly, and it needed to be cost effective. The shaper is gorgeous as shapers go and the fabric is nice.  I honestly cannot complain on that front. 

There is just one thing. Guys, fair warning. Lady,  talk here.  If you don’t want to read it, check out now.  So I picked this shaper because it had those hooks, like on the back of your bra, in the crotchaler region; I thought I was being clever by avoiding the typical shapers with the “Pee Hole.”  If you’ve never had the pleasure of the pee hole, allow me to enlighten you.  Most shapers just have these overlapping flaps in the lady parts.  Somehow, in your delicate, genteel, state, you are meant to pull the flaps open and do your business, whilst holding said flaps.  Do not ask me what you are supposed to do if you have to do number 2. There’s no flap for that.  Maybe

you’re just not supposed to do that because you’re a lady bitch, and ladies don’t do that. Ewww. 

The problem lies in that it is impossible to tee tee through that pee hole.  Seriously, impossible. I was at a dear friend’s wedding, and nature called, so I got into the world’s smallest, stinkiest stall, and I am trying to line the god forsaken pee hole up for optimal target suppression. The urgency is only building, because I don’t know about you, but when I see a commode, it’s time to go.  I think I have the flaps lined up as best I can, and I go ahead with the mission. I WAS WRONG. Somehow the flaps were funneling pee up towards my belly button and not out towards the damn toilet  I am desperately trying to abort the mission, but the long wait had made stopping laughable.  Now my shaper was soaked with urine. WTF were these flaps good for? I had to just pull my dress down over my piss drenched shaper and walk as serenely as I could back out into the wedding.  Mind you, the urine started soaking through to the dress… I had a wet belly with a

line pointing straight at my crotch. I tried soaking it up with towels, but there weren’t many towels in the bathroom. I smelled of pee. No one danced with me. My brother still talks about that. 

So yeah, I thought I would be clever and avoid that all together this time. By getting those hooks, the whole thing would open up and the problem would be solved. Right? In some ways, yes. The problem here lies in that you have to hook it back up, and I, being a large chested woman, cannot see the hooks. Trying to hook those things by touch is fucking hard. Out of the frying pan into the fire, eh? At least I will not pee myself in this one, but if y’all see me walking around with the bottom half of my shaper hanging out, mind your business.


~the Belle

Thursday, July 11, 2024

Consent and Tea: A VERY British way of explaining consent.

In case you're still confused about how consent works, I found this handy video explaining consent in simple terms that everyone should be able to understand,  If you sre confused by this or have questions feel free to email the admin at snarkysouthernbelle@gmail.com. I'm sure that she will take the time to go over it with you until you understand thoroughly. yeeeeaaaah.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I have no idea why this space is here.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   snarkysouthernbelle@gmail.com. I'm sure we can put our heads together and find a way to help you understand it. 

Wednesday, July 10, 2024

Stand Where I Stood: This Ain't No Fairytale

 *It is important to note that this piece contains content that may trigger some people, please read with caution.  If you are a victim of sexual assault and need help or someone to talk to please call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

*Author’s note, this is a long one, so bear with me, as it is necessary to tell the full story from its beginning to end. Without all the details in place you could not appreciate the full scope of what happened here. 

I can remember, vividly, every detail of the first moment I saw “Jay”. We were both in the 8th grade and assigned to the same Social Studies class, Mrs.Nelson. I was already seated and I looked up to see the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. He had this casual confidence and a goofy little way of walking… which I would later learn was due to an injury but the walk somehow added to his allure. He had blonde hair and had clearly been out in the sun. His jeans had a tear in the right knee, and a small oil stain on his left leg. Jay was sporting a Fox hoodie; okay so he’s one of those motorcross guys. I knew a few guys that were into that. Most notably my newly minted “best friend Erin’s' ' step brother “Bert' ' was gaga for motorcross. Maybe they knew each other? I can still smell Jay’s cologne from that day in the deep recesses of my mind and hear his voice and laugh. In my nearly 44 years, I have had more than my fair share of first meetings with men; I don't remember any of them, not one, with the clarity and detail that I do with my innocent little 13 year old, 8th grade self seeing Jay for the first time. It’s been said that there are moments in your life that cement themselves in your memory because they mean something. Being a closet romantic, I just assumed it was because Jay was meant to be important in my life. I guess, in a way, he fulfilled that and then some; but not in the way I ever imagined.

Being a proper southern lady, I did not let my feelings for Jay be known immediately. He dated a couple of other girls but it gave me time to get to know him a bit. He was funny, charming, terrible at Social Studies (I was constantly helping him in class), he had a bad boy kind of thing going on (which I have a desperate weakness for), and really was quite sweet. By the end of the first semester I was so smitten, forming simple sentences in his presence was exhausting. My feelings for Jay were the worst kept secret of our junior high, I’m pretty sure everyone knew including the staff.  Erin lived just across the lake from me, we were forever at her house or mine. One day afterschool, in 9th grade, I had finally mustered up enough courage and decided I was going to ask Jay out.  I told Erin of my plans, I mean, she’s one of my best friends and with her cheering me on, this might not suck.

The next morning I got on the bus with my carefully crafted note (I grew up in a time without mobile phones, so we wrote paper notes to each other) tucked securely in my back pocket. I am anxious and excited and I am hoping for some encouraging words from Erin. She gets on the very next stop after mine, so I don't have to wait long. When she gets on, her spirits are unusually high, I mean she’s vibrating. She’s a bubbly person anyway, but she's bouncing around in her seat and really more flirty with the guys than normal.  I forget my issues for a minute and I ask what’s up? She pulls a neatly folded note out of her back pocket and grins and starts bouncing up and down in her seat. I said “Okay, what’s that?” Her response hit me like a freight train.

“It’s a note for Jay, I’m asking him out.”

You know that feeling you get on a rollercoaster when it drops you? Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt. I couldn’t breathe. This girl, who is supposed to be my BEST FRIEND, knows I am planning to ask Jay out and now she’s asking him out? Frenemies wasn’t a word yet but in that moment Erin redefined our relationship and that’s what we became.  Erin wasn’t ugly or anything but she wasn’t the most beautiful. No, her appeal lay more in her body which was unusually well developed for a girl her age.  She was also willing to do more things with guys at that point than I was doing. How was I even going to compete with that? What adolescent boy would turn down the opportunity to explore sexually with a girl who knows a few things? I was not completely unfortunate y’all… I was cute… but at this point I had very little experience. 

I was devastated that Erin found Jay first. He immediately accepted her proposal. I cried in the bathroom all the way through first period. I decided though that I knew Erin, she gets bored very easily. The shine wears off the new toy, and she finds a new shinier toy. I couldn’t think of any of her recent boyfriends, and she always had a boyfriend that she hadn’t cheated on. So all I had to do was wait and position myself to catch Jay when she dropped him.  That’s exactly what I did and it was hard. She didn’t lose interest. It took FOREVER! Finally as the school year ended and I was moving to a new house, away from Erin, and getting ready to attend summer school (incidentally with Jay) I got a phone call. I was shocked, it was Jay. He asked me about Erin’s relationship with this new guy that had started hanging around. I knew what Erin was doing with the new guy and apparently now so did Jay… but Erin was spinning it and gaslighting and all the tricks. Jay said to me he just needed someone to be honest with him, he needed the truth. My moment had arrived.

I told Jay every sordid detail that I knew for fact. He listened quietly. When I was done there was a long pause, I thought we got disconnected but I heard a long sigh. He finally spoke and he thanked me for being truthful with him. When he felt like no one else was telling him the truth. Obviously I couldn't expect him to just ask me out right then and there, but I made sure he knew my shoulder was available if he needed to cry on it and I was always available if he needed to talk. You know, because as Erin’s “best friend” I had a unique understanding of what she was putting him through. Well, it worked.  After his phone call to me that day he called her and dumped her. I’d like to say that I felt bad, but I did not, I was elated. A few days later Jay and I were officially a couple. 

At this point in my life I was a virgin… and he would loathe to admit it but so was Jay.  He was looking to scratch that itch and pushed for me to do things I wasn’t really sure I was ready for. For example, he wanted a blow job in the worst way, and the idea of doing that at that point in my life kinda grossed me out.  I was 14/15 years old, I had a birthday while we were together…I had let him go further than I had let any other guy because I felt so comfortable with him. I didn’t want to be a prude but I didn’t want to just give away everything either.  Losing that special piece of yourself, I had been taught, was supposed to be special… a moment built on love. Jay had not expressed any feelings of love to me; frankly if he had I would have probably spontaneously combusted right there, Alas, no such declarations ever came. We had a lot of fun together though. Until the day I was at home, because it was summer time, and I was doing housework for my mom… I was a bit unnerved because I hadn’t heard from Jay yet and it was around midday.  Usually I would have heard from him by then and we would have planned something. He would often ride his dirt bike or illegally drive some truck of his over to my house.  We would go for walks in the woods. We had a special place we would go to just make out like fiends. So naturally not hearing from him was concerning. I just told myself that it was fine he was out on his dirt bike with the boys. Right? 

I was cleaning the kitchen. I hate cleaning the kitchen, y’all. The phone rings, I think “well there he is!” When I pick up the phone, it’s very noisy. I say “Hello?” and I hear Jay’s voice. I ask him where are you? He tells me he’s at the bowling alley and he says you will never guess who I ran into… Um….I rattle off a couple of names and then I hear a giggle. It’s fucking ERIN. I say uh… well it sounds like you ran into Erin. My heart is pounding so hard I am genuinely worried it will burst from my chest. I can hear my heartbeat. I am suddenly overcome with a cold sweat and my hands are shaking. There I stand in my kitchen, praying to God, Jesus, all the Saints, and Mother Mary too that this isn’t about to go where I think it is. I said “Are y’all in the phone booth at the bowling alley?” The reply I didn't want came back… both voices  chorus “Yep!”...... “Um there’s really only room for one person in that booth, how are y’all both fitting in there?

Another  giggle, more sinister sounding to me and Jay says ever so casually “Oh I have her sitting on my lap.” So I ask the obvious, stupid question, “Jay, why are you at the bowling alley with Erin sitting on your lap and not with me?” 

“Because she will do more stuff than you.”

Tears are free flowing down my face. Again obvious stupid question, “Are you breaking up with me, with Erin on your fucking lap?” I hear HER say “Yeah he’s dumping you. How’s that feel?” giggle He says, “It’s over. I need more.” I can hear them kissing… more giggling… Then he says something to the effect of “I’ll see you around.” and hangs up. I literally collapse to the floor. I’m shattered. She is clearly only doing this to get back at me for telling Jay she was cheating on him.She is clearly not really my friend, if she ever was. I don’t know how long I lay on that kitchen floor. I do know that the tears ran dry and my eyes were so swollen I could barely see out of them. This moment changed my life because I vowed that I would never lose a guy again because I didn't do “stuff”. Fuck special magical moments, that’s a fairytale, and apparently we weren’t living in a fairytale. So my very next boyfriend, at the tender age of 15, I gave it all away. At least he had the decency to tell me he loved me for awhile, he didn’t, but I believed him. In my mind I thought because I had given my everything it meant he wouldn’t leave me. Clearly I had forgotten that this ain’t no fairytale.

I survived the heartache, as one does. You pick yourself up and put your big girl panties on and move on. So I did. That is a different story for a different day, today is Jay’s tale. Fast forward a few years I had moved away from the area my Senior year of high school and I was back visiting for my 24th birthday. I was so excited to be coming back to the Seattle area and see all my friends, especially my very best friend, since 8th grade, Marie.I had even built a website to organize information regarding my plans and attempts to get in touch with this person or that person. It was mid 2004 so social media was in its infancy. Here’s where my personal brand of stupidity kicks in… in my search to connect with people and organize meetups and coffees or whatever I found Erin’s step brother Bert, who I knew pretty well because we briefly dated and I just spent so much time over at their house.  I reached out and was surprised I got a response.  When I went to reply back I hesitated because there was a question burning inside me and I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask or even should ask. I figured we were all adults now, I could ask, so I asked Bert in my return response if he had any contact with anyone from back in the day like Jay? Bert and I had already exchanged contact information but I have to say I felt a bit sad when he did not write back. Admittedly I was absolutely gobsmacked when about an hour or so later I got a text from an unknown Seattle number. It. Was. Jay.  I was floating. Y’all I had a boyfriend that I adored, and was so handsome. Over and over I kept asking myself, what are you even doing Belle? For several months I concealed my texts with Jay and our night time phone conversations. The only person who knew we were talking to each other was Marie and she was really encouraging me to just focus on my boyfriend. The conversations and texts with Jay never became really inappropriate or crossed any lines… we had always had a good rapport, so it was just easy. It was a distraction from real life, an escape and I was loving every second. He promised to come to my birthday party and see me when I was in town. Over the moon doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt at the prospect of seeing Jay again. 

The night of my 24th birthday finally came and Marie and I went out with a gang of girls we knew. We went to this little place that shall remain nameless and I was so honored by the number of people who came out to see me that night. One person was missing though and I hated myself for glancing at the door every time it opened. Why did I even care if Jay actually showed? I had a wonderful boyfriend at home that I was head over heels for and I honestly believed he was “the one”. So what was this? What was I doing? I drowned it all down, all the doubts and insecurity, two whole pitchers of beer to myself. I was starting to feel pretty good. Marie had to get home as she had children to take care of; I wasn’t ready to go but was staying with her… she was really cool about it and made sure that I had a ride for a bit later.  I got to stay and chat with the people who remained and at some point I excused myself to the restroom and threw up everything I had ever eaten in my life along with those two pitchers of beer.  It was too late though I was warm and tingly all over, I can only imagine my speech was slurred.  This was absolutely the drunkest I had ever been, I have only thrown up one other time in my whole life and that was after I was challenged to take 7 vodka shots back to back and even at that moment I wasn’t as drunk as I was that night. People had bought me shots and the beer was free flowing all night, then there were my two pitchers. 

When I came out of the bathroom I very wisely ordered myself another pitcher and went back to our tables.  Just as I finished my first glass out of this new pitcher, who should walk in the door but Jay and his best friend Jamie.  If Jay was cute in junior high and high school, he was drop dead gorgeous now.  I literally stopped breathing. My knees felt weak and my heart was pounding as he and Jamie sauntered over.  Still I felt bold and flirty, young and free; that alcohol freely flowing in my system. The boys sat down at the table with me and each purchased a beer. We had all been chatting for a few minutes when the girl who volunteered to take me back to Marie’s house came over with her boyfriend and said that they were ready to go.  They had to get back to their kids.  I was bummed, I had gotten maybe five minutes with Jay. 

All of a sudden Jay pipes up and says “Uh, we can take her home, so she can finish her pitcher, it’s no problem at all.”  The girl pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay with this arrangement and would I be alright.  I assured her that I had known both of these guys since 8th grade and we had always been friends, they were good guys. I would be absolutely fine

The girl and her boyfriend, also a long time friend, said their goodbyes and made their exit. So now I was left with the two guys, I was working on finishing my pitcher, they each had one glass of beer. When I look back on it now, I realize they didn’t really drink their beers… I am throwing mine back like the good little Scot-Irish girl I am and they are nursing theirs. I didn’t pay any attention to it at the time, because who am I to judge? My father spent the majority of my life trying to teach me to be observant but in an effort to be polite and kind, I write off so much, especially when I was younger. So I don’t ask and I am really too drunk to care too much anyway.  We laugh and chat while I polish off that pitcher in record time and we decide to head back to town for some late night fast food before dropping me at Marie’s. 

 I can barely walk when we stand up. The boys just look at each other and put their arms around me and help to Jamie’s Jeep.  Now my dear five or so readers, you will have to forgive me some at this point because things start getting fuzzy here and only get fuzzier as I go further and will at some points go completely dark altogether. I apologize for that, I should have never allowed myself to be in such a condition. We all make choices in life, A or B, 1 or 2, and then you have to live with those choices and the repercussions. Well I paid in spades, and now I live with it.  I can remember being on the road back and it was so cold (it’s Seattle in the summer, that’s just the way it is) I was not dressed to be riding in an open Jeep in 60 degree weather. Someone put a jacket on me, but I can’t tell you who or when. We did go to the Jack in the Box or the Taco Bell but I can’t say for sure which one it was, I can tell you I left my wallet there. All of my credit cards, debit card, my drivers license, cash, various pictures, everything….gone. I am fairly certain for some reason I was not in the vehicle and I put it on top of the drive thru speaker box, but then I second guess myself because I know I could barely walk at the bar so why would I have gotten out of the Jeep?

In any case I didn’t discover the missing wallet situation until the next day, when I needed to fill up my rental car. Wherever that wallet got to it was good and gone by then. We all got something to eat I think, I don’t remember eating… I clearly had my wallet out though so I have always just hoped we all got to eat.  We weren’t far from Marie’s place but we didn’t head in that direction. That’s the first time the hair on my neck stood up and I shouted over the wind of the moving Jeep  “WHERE ARE WE GOING GUYS I’VE GOT TO GET BACK?”  I remember the feeling of Jay’s lips against my ear and that voice of his saying to me, “It’s okay… Jamie’s just got to pick up something from his brother’s.”  A sense of calm washed over me, I was so silly, these are my friends, I can trust them. Then darkness and I become aware-ish again, the Jeep is parked in front of a large two story garage with several bays. There’s a house to my right, that’s dark, but there are lights on in the garage. I just sat there, it was nearly 3 or 4 in the morning, I didn’t know these people so I would never presume to just march up into their home or garage for that matter, much less at that hour. I can’t remember exactly if Jay stayed in the backseat or if he got out and came and stood by me and talked to me. I was finding focusing really difficult, things looked blurry, and I just started feeling really hot now that we weren’t moving. I was worried about getting back to Marie’s, I did not want to disrupt her family in any way. And here I sat I could be anywhere, hell I could be in fucking Montana by now. I had literally no idea where exactly Jamie’s brother lived and I was busily beating myself up for not asking the right questions at the right times.  Irresponsible. I was irresponsible. And thoughtless, a whole lot naive, way too trusting, and a whole host of other personal defects that those little voices in dark recesses of your mind scream at you in moments like this. 

In the darkness a door opened between the large bay doors of the garage and Jamie walked out. He motioned to Jay to come and the next thing I remember is leaning against a metal pole inside the garage. Jay is in front of me a few feet away, leaning on some vehicle I don’t know for sure where Jamie was at this moment. Jay asked about my navel piercing, if he could see it, so I raised my shirt hem enough so he could see the piercing. I think some comment was made about my boyfriend and how he must think that’s really hot especially with the tan I was sporting at the time. But I cannot be sure of that, some comment was made. At this point I was tired, fading, I felt dizzy, things were blurry, I couldn't stay awake, I know I was confused and I didn’t know where I was. I just leaned up against that pole and tried to think positive thoughts. The dark swallowed me again, I have no idea for long this time, it’s serious talent to black out standing up whilst leaning against a pole. It could have been seconds or an hour.  I don’t know.  I don’t like unknowns.  

I woke to the feeling of Jamie’s hands on my midsection, on the skin, under my shirt. He was behind me, Jay was leaning on that car looking at me. Jamie pulled me into him, propping me up against his own body. He took one hand and turned my face, and right there in front of Jay in his brother’s garage, Jamie kissed me. This was not a quick peck, this was a deep, passionate kiss. It was awkward because Jay was watching intently and I had never really had that kind of interest in Jamie. We “went out” for about five minutes in junior high but he ignored me the whole time so I broke up with him and we’d just been friends ever since. Not to mention the whole boundary issue, my boyfriend had been discussed on numerous occasions throughout their time with me… I was not available to be kissed.  The hamster running the wheel in my poor muddled brain was trying to work out this problem when I felt a hand pull at the wide open collar of my shirt. I don’t know who did it and it doesn’t really matter now, but they pulled that collar down and then pulled my strapless bra down exposing my chest. That was when I realized Jay was touching my breasts and had his mouth on them.  Jamie is behind me, still holding me up and is kissing my neck and shoulders. This is the second time the hair on my neck stands up and I freeze.  I don’t know where my purse is, I don’t know where I am, I don't know where my mobile phone is and who the hell would I call? This was before smartphones, I think I had a Motorola Razor at the time, it wasn’t like I could order an Uber. It wasn’t like I could call Marie and share my location. I started to panic, but I still cannot get my brain to function enough to work out a way out of this situation. Darkness swallows me again.

Then I wake up and somehow all three of us are in some kind of loft thing in this garage.  They so thoughtfully put down some kind of foam on the floor of this loft, it smelled of oil and gasoline. I used to like the smell of gasoline, I don’t anymore, because it takes me back here.  The guys have completely undressed me and I’m just laying there, dizzy and confused, I can’t even talk right. Forming basic sentences is taking so much brain power,  I feel like I’ve had a stroke or something. I’m scared. These guys are supposed to be my friends. What is even happening right now, I can’t process it. I keep waiting for them to reveal the sick prank, the punchline, but it never happens. I feel a tear slide down my face, but I cut that shit right off, I refuse to give them that satisfaction.  Something in me reverted to my days of dealing with my very first abusive relationship and my instincts went to the “be quiet, be small, be still” mantra that got me through so much of that. I can remember whispering that to myself as I lay on that dirty piece of foam.  I had hoped that maybe it was all over and I at least would have the benefit of having “slept” through it. I was incorrect, they had just finished getting me up there and undressing me.  Jamie went first.  I am ashamed to admit I didn’t fight, I didn’t try to say anything. They had me, entirely, we were as best I could tell in the middle of nowhere and even if we were in the middle of somewhere I wouldn't begin to know how to get to safety. Jamie’s on top of me and Jay’s just kind of watching at first until I feel his hand in my hair and he is guiding my face towards his crotch.  Guess he’s going to finally get that blow job afterall. Why didn’t I bite or refuse to open my mouth or start kicking and screaming? 

It’s easy really, I was a coward. I kept thinking they had clearly planned this and I didn’t want to know what they had planned if I resisted. My thoughts were on my amazing boyfriend; I was so fearful they would leave a mark or a scratch or any sort of evidence of this encounter and he would see it and we would be over. Let me be very clear though that does not, DOES NOT, imply consent on any level. A person who is so inebriated that they have trouble walking, forming coherent sentences, and keeps falling asleep cannot give consent. FULL STOP. Maybe that is exactly why they went for it I will never know. At the end of the day they saw a vulnerable woman, who they had been friends with most of their lives, and they took advantage of her, me. I’d be willing to bet they never think of that day, they live with no shame or regret or guilt or embarrassment or grief or any feeling at all about it. Me? For 20 years now, it’s been in my dreams, my thoughts, my senses and it triggers in the strangest places.  I sleep with a light on because of my nightmares. (Not all related to this incident but some are.)  I’m the casualty here, but somehow I’m the one trapped in a prison and they probably think they did nothing wrong. 

They took turns. I don't know how many times they switched places. I fell into that darkness somewhere in there and they were still going when I woke up again. Jay was the one that drove me to Marie’s in the Jeep, alone. I don’t know where Jamie went and frankly don’t care.  It was 6 or 6:30 in the morning when I got to Marie’s, the sun was coming up. I cannot remember if Jay said anything to me when he dropped me at the gate to Marie’s. There’s plenty he should have said in that moment. He might have said he would text me but I can’t be sure.   As I tried to sneak into Marie’s house, I glanced at the kitchen table only to meet eyes with Marie’s grandmother. Her grandmother didn’t say a word to me, but the look she gave me said plenty. I could feel the judgment from across the room. And why not? I was filthy, I had grit and grease all over me; I smelled like a mechanic and my hair looked like it got caught in a strong tornado. My clothes weren’t even put back on properly. I cannot recall who redressed me, I had pulled so far inward at that point I was autopilot any signs of life or personality were completely absent.  So much of me was just gone behind a wall that I’d built long ago to retreat behind when that boyfriend got violent. 

A part of me wanted to just fall down on the floor in front of her grandmother and tell her everything that had just happened. But it was that look, that judgment, I realized in that moment I would be, will be, judged for this. I’m the whore right? I asked for it, didn’t I? I mean I invited Jay, I drank too much, I turned down two opportunities to go home safely so I could be around Jay, I didn’t leave in the total darkness of wherever the hell we were to try and randomly find my way back to Marie’s… I didn’t just call Marie who would have called out the National Guard and arrived with a bazooka, blown the doors off of the place, beat those guys down, and rescued me. But I didn’t want to wake her whole house up…. I had never in my life felt so completely powerless and I was the one that allowed my power to be taken away. I served it up on a silver platter. So I just quickly looked down at the floor and trudged off to my room.  It felt like a jumbo elephant had taken up residence on my back, I felt that heavy with all the negative emotions. In that moment, most of all I felt dirty… like I’d never be clean again. 

To say that Marie was upset with coming home so late, would be an understatement. She came barging into my room a few hours after I had arrived home. She told me exactly what she thought about that kind of disrespect. It only made things worse when I had to tell her I’d lost my wallet. She was kind enough to drive me back out to the bar to let me look through their parking lot for my wallet and to the drive thrus that I thought we had been to. No dice. She was fussing at me at first.  I was so low that day (the day after the incident) that I honestly don’t know what I would have done to myself. Then Marie noticed the tears just streaming down my face. She was quiet for a moment and then she reached over and took my hand. I didn’t want to be touched but this was a good touch, not a bad one. The love and concern flowed from her. Marie just radiated warmth and love and a sense of peace from the chaos going on in my life. I held her hand all the way to the bar and I can honestly say that one tiny gesture likely saved my life.  She never asked what happened that night and I haven’t spoken of that night to anyone, until now, because I feel like I shouldn’t have to live in silence anymore. This burden is one I should finally be able to put down. 

Erin surprised everyone by coming into town, while I was in town.  I heard she was at her parents and I reached out. She summoned me over for beers and firepit time with the family.  I thought that would be really great because I always loved her family.  When I got there lo and behold who was there? Like a moth to a flame, Jay was there… which explains why I didn’t hear from him at all that day and I had been hearing from him consistently everyday before that… that or he had gotten what he wanted and moved on.  I can’t be sure.  He almost immediately pulled me aside and asked me if we were “cool” (why wouldn’t we be cool? Did you do something wrong?) and he continued with the line “afterall you seemed to really enjoy yourself” as he slid his hand down my arm and I swallowed a shudder. He was actually throwing in my face that I climaxed. Mind you, 24 year old me did not know what 44 year old me now knows, I thought then that climaxing meant you liked it. IT DOES NOT. It is an automatic response to the stimulation of certain nerves and it is common in situations like this. At the time I was so ashamed of that one little fact, perhaps more ashamed than anything else, because I struggle to climax in normal situations and here I’d done it not wanting to. 

Jay asked me to keep it just between us, that it’s a private matter. Fucker, doesn’t want me to tell Erin about it. Not that I would because we haven’t been close like that for years but seriously? I said something to the effect of “sure, yeah, whatever… we’re good.”  And I just pretended like nothing had happened. The night I was leaving town, supposedly Jay tried to meet me at the airport for coffee to talk, but he didn’t make it in time. I don’t know he could have been sitting on his couch at home just telling me that, but at the time I thought maybe he was attempting to apologize.  After I was home for a while, I emailed Jay and told him how I felt about that night, all my true feelings for him, and how it was all different since that night. He wrote back. He said he was sorry to hear that I didn’t enjoy that evening, that he thought I did. I shouldn't feel guilt or shame because it's just all consenting adults, except no one asked me, I was incapable of giving consent in that condition. He again throws in my face the fact that I climaxed by saying something like “I mean you finished… so you had a good time”  As for any mention of my true feelings, he just said he doesn’t feel that way for me. Fair enough. I only brought it up to emphasize how wrong all of this felt to me. I had that wonderful boyfriend, unfortunately the amazing boyfriend noticed something was off when I got back.  I didn’t want to be intimate, I jumped when he touched me, and when he asked if something happened I would become emotional but remain silent.  I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. What would he think of me? I dreaded the look of disgust in his eyes, the repulsion, and ultimately the rejection.  It didn’t last long after that, for a variety of reasons but this was the biggest wedge between us. 

As the years have gone on the blurry memories of that night have not faded. Even after two comas, where huge swaths of memory are just gone from my mind… not the memory of that night. Sure it is blurry and riddled with spots of darkness, but I know what happened to me that night. Even if I had agreed to it in some drunken stupor at some point in the evening, that consent was revoked the moment I fell asleep the first time.  You do not keep going after someone has fallen asleep, just because they agreed when they were awake. You are not that entitled. How dare you take advantage of our friendships, my vulnerable state, and my 20 years of silence. I can still feel your hands tugging on my body, smell that garage and that foam, feel the grit and grease on my skin, and hear the sounds you made… It is as fresh in my mind today as it was the morning after.  I live with that everyday of my life, and I doubt you give it even a second thought. You sentenced me to 20 years of hell and sauntered off without a care. I now release this into the universe in the hopes that it will make it easier for me to talk about in counseling and no longer haunt me as it does. Thank you for being my friend for so many years, but you can fuck all the way off for what you did to me. 

Saturday, January 6, 2024

Stand Where I Stood: I Know the Evil That Comes in the Dark

**Trigger Warning**

The silence that falls is deafening as the night creatures go quiet and I know he is making his way home to our tiny ramshackle trailer on the back of the property.  It’s as if the animals that are out at night all sense the danger radiating from him and hide themselves, I wish I could hide too. He has been drinking but how much I do not know and that will determine everything.  So I lie here pretending to sleep, praying, praying tonight will be different, that he will finally mean the kind words he has said.  I hear the screen door slam and the front door swing wide and my body stiffens because I know the evil that comes in dark.


I pray he’s only drunk enough to be in a good mood because then he usually just passes out and I don’t have to deal with him much.  As he stalks into the room I can smell him and quickly realize he’s been into the brown liquor. He’s way past good mood, we are in dangerous territory tonight.  He’s been drowning some memory or something and his mood will be particularly foul.  Three guesses as to who will be punching bag for all his frustrations.  He starts in with a slurred


          “You awake?”


          I pretend to stir, and reply “I am now.”


          “Good, get your fat ass naked, I need to fuck something.” He says dryly.


          “Um, how romantic, I’m gonna need a bit more than that to get in the mood because I am not really feeling it. Thanks.”  I say. I may be scared shitless but I at least try to defend myself.


          “I do not give three shits about what you need or don’t. I will cut those clothes off your body if I have to and fuck you dry as a bone, whether you are ready or not. I want it now. He said as he exposed himself. He was stumbling around and taking off his clothing.


I tried to get up and go past him to go to the bathroom and he grabbed my arm with surprising strength for a man who seemed barely able to stand and his whiskyed breath hit me as he said


          “You better come out of there naked, if you know what’s good for you..”


His eyes darted to the guns in the corner. I wrenched myself from his grip and shut the bathroom door between us and shuddered. He frequently used the guns to threaten me and I hated it. I slid down the door and sat on the floor, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I don’t want to have sex but he certainly does and seems perfectly willing to take it if I don’t offer it up.  How do I keep getting myself into these relationships? What’s wrong with me? I start to cry and pray but I feel utterly alone.  Part of me loves the man in the next room, not the monster he is at the moment but the man he is when he is kind and gentle. It is like living with Jekyl and Hyde.  I am jolted from my thoughts and prayers as he starts beating on the door to let me know I am taking too long.  I rise and reluctantly undress.  Swallowing every ounce of pride I have I open the door and he looks me up and down.  He says


          “You’ve gained weight. Bend over the bed.”


I took too long moving to the bed so he grabbed me and pushed me into place and held me there and I felt him position himself and roughly take me.  His calloused hands groped my “fat” body, thankfully it was quick enough that my bruising was minimal. As he finished he threw a dirty towel at me and told me to clean myself up he didn’t want to sleep next to me if I was dirty and I couldn’t put my night clothes back on in case he decided he wanted more while we were sleeping.  He also said he didn’t want me trying to run off and being naked would make that harder but just in case he was going to sleep with his shotgun.


I literally laid stiff next to him afraid to move or so much as go to the bathroom the whole rest of the night for fear he would think I was trying to leave.  I have never been more thankful to see a dawn in my life! When he wasn’t drunk he wasn’t like this, he had a temper that was terrible yes, but drunken him was the worst to deal with and the worst of it was he never remembered his actions. I know now that he was very violent with past girlfriends, because I have gotten to know them and I seemed to avoid that somehow.  What I didn’t avoid was the emotional abuse he constantly put me down and then would build me up so high and let me ride there for awhile and BAM! Tear it all down…. I never really knew where I stood with him.  He was a master manipulator and a liar.  It was those drunken nights that I saw his truly evil face though. 


It took me getting a puppy and seeing his treatment of it to finally break the spell.  That’s when I screwed up the courage to leave.  And when I left I took everything! I even took the toilet paper.  I didn’t even leave a grain of rice for him.  I had bought everything, so I took it with me. I took the sheets off the bed, all the linens, towels, food, spices, baking ingredients, laundry supplies, ceiling fans, window a/c units…. I am not joking when I say I stripped that little trailer. And of course I took the dog too.   I never looked back.  Sometimes I wonder if that little puppy, my beloved Griffin, was an answer to a pray.  All I know is there is a reason I sleep with my light on to this day, nothing is sneaking up on me in the dark anymore.

Sunday, August 13, 2023

Wish You the Best

     It has been suggested to me in the comments about by messages sent to me following my last post that I deserved better or that I am better somehow.  While it would be easy for me to succumb to that sentiment allow me to say this much, Dave is not a bad guy. He apparently just was not MY guy. I have faults in this too. I had behaviors that I allowed to go on for too long, unchecked, and if I could speak to him now I would own up to those behaviors.  If I could speak to Dave today, I would own my responsibility in the choices he made and I would apologize for my part in any pain I may have caused him.  Out of respect for him, the relationship, friendship, and the love that I felt for him I owe him that much. I don't know if you can heal if you do not accept your own role in things; you certainly cannot learn from anything if you never take responsibility.  

    That being said I think it is also important to be honest with yourself.  I had to stop looking at her TikTok because it was killing me.  This woman I barely knew existed, suddenly exploded onto my radar, took four months of hard won healing, and tossed it in the wood chipper. My heart and soul was  ; I was raw.  I was angry.  All this time I had been so sad but now I was furious. It felt like I was under coordinated attack for no reason, other than just being the ex.  The ex, an undesirable, something to be destroyed at all costs... but why? Unless the ex girlfriend or wife does something to you; why do some women feel the need to be openly hostile, confrontational, even murderous towards them? Must we really lower ourselves to that level? With the whole world seemingly hell bent on taking from women, shouldn't we be working together to give to each other? I couldn't figure her out, was she attacking me, was she trying to be friends, was she marking her territory? I'm sure it would please her to no end to know I've lost sleep trying to work this out.  And so, I had to give it up I just don't even look because she can see when I look at her stuff and it just worms into my mind and deeply bothers me.  That has not stopped people from reporting to me what is going on over there on her TikTok.  I may not have her level of following but I have pretty good following with good numbers, if I do say so myself, and my "army" to turn her phrase looks out for me too.  Thanks y'all but I've had enough. 

    Some have suggested that I wouldn't have wanted to be his second choice anyway.  This is true.  Unwittingly I was though, because they were together before me, then we got together and then she called wanting him back; so he went. That's where he really wanted to be.  You see he called us by the same pet names, and we had the same inside jokes.  Hell I've even been told we look similar.  He was recreating a relationship he didn't think he would have again, with me.  The instant the real McCoy became an option again the knock off did not look so shiny anymore.  It's not that either one of us ladies is better than the other, its just a matter of preference.  He wanted her, not me.  I was never going to be her.  I just wanted him and had for 9 years.  Maybe if I had spoken up sooner? Who knows. 

    So before you go allow me to say from the bottom of my sad shriveled little black heart I wish you the best.  Both of you, really.  M, we really might have been friends, could have been. D, I did love you, I believe in you. Thank you for believing in me for a short time and allowing me to know what it's like to be a bride for a little while. That experience was amazing. Thank you for the endless laughs and the boundless talks.  I am sorry for my part in things and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my transgressions.  It is my hope for you both that this is your forever and that everyday is worth it.  

Friday, August 11, 2023

Someone You Loved

     On October 20, 2023, a Friday, a lucky day according to Norse culture, a good day for weddings... I was supposed to be getting married. A lovely fall wedding set in the outdoors, a

Our first date. 
coming together of his Chinese/Norse heritage and my Scot/Irish heritage.  A celebration of our shared geekiness with tongue in cheek nods to our love of Star Trek.  It would be a blending of families, with a big party and lots of food and drinks and laughs. I had started contacting venues long ago, florists, researching any possible way to save a buck. I'll admit it became an obsession. From the minute he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me I was a woman on a mission. We picked out my rings at Jared, I don't know that I have ever seen anything so beautiful. There they sit, waiting to be picked up, like sad abandoned children. My mother and I went and tried on dresses at a couple bridal shops and I think I found one I liked well enough. The best part of it all was I was so content.  I loved this man and I thought he loved me.  I thought I had finally found my happy ending and no matter what he and I would work through whatever came because we loved each other.  I found myself sitting and just softly smiling to myself thinking so this, THIS is finally what real love feels like.  And it felt so good. 

Something like this.

    Instead on the 20th of October 2023 I will have knee surgery.  He is gone. Dave has been gone nearly a year now.  Best I can gather he decided he didn't love me as much as he thought when an ex girlfriend of his called and told him she wanted him back. 

Total Knee Arthoplasty

Now they are having a nearly identical wedding to the one I was planning. I know all this because she continuously posts about me and them and their wedding on TikTok and since we "interacted" I get a message every time she posts something. I knew Dave for 9 years, nearly a decade.  I trusted him with everything, my brother's life, secrets, inside jokes, my failures... everything. I guess he gave me the gift of knowing what a bride feels like for a short time.  That's something I may not ever get again. Maybe I owe him a thank you for that? 

    I let my guard down and he pulled the rug right out from under me, just when I was getting used to the idea of being loved by someone. He knew my history and somehow he managed to do more damage than all the others.  I went to bed for a month, a solid month, after he dumped me without so much as a goodbye.  Dave did get emotional when he was doing the dumping, he started crying, but I

This Kansas

don't know what that means exactly.  His words were so confusing, he said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship anymore, but his new girl lives in Kansas and we live in NC (although rumor has it he has now moved to Kansas to be with her).  He said didn't want to be a stepdad but she has more kids than I do.  

    One day he allowed her to attack me on social media.  That's how I found out about them.  Four months after the break up and I am doing okay, fine.  Here comes Miss Thang.  Tagging him in a post comment on my Instagram.  Trying to be the bigger person I just deleted and blocked.  Clearly thick, and not able to pick up on obvious messages, she hit up my Facebook page and commented on several posts.  I reply to

everyone so I was just going through replying to comments and since she had a different handle I didn't immediately register that it was the same person.  Except the profile picture was the same, her and him with him behind her and his arms around her.  I got my best friend involved and she blasted her, while I called her out on another comment and basically just said "Look I know who you are, I get what you're trying to do.  I get it, you're with him now and I'm not.  Good for you. Now be gone you troll." She feigned innocence and tried to play dumb... like I'm stupid.  Maybe I'm not as good at these internet games as she is but I'm far from stupid. 

    So if you're wondering how you steal someone's boyfriend/fiancĂ©... make a TikTok post about how you listened to Taylor Swift and it has given you the courage to call him up and you don't care that he's with that girl. You only had an entire year you could have called while you were both single, but you didn't want him until he moved on.  Fully knowing he never really got over you in the first place, and not giving a shit that he's finally in a happy place.... your selfish needs come first right? We may not have been perfect but we were happy and we laughed a lot. 


    I honestly wish you both the best. That's all I can do with all the love I have for him, all the respect I have for him.  The promise I made to continue to be his friend if it didn't work out. Which is clearly not happening now.  I miss him, his presence in my life because honestly I can't remember a time when he wasn't part of my life anymore.  You took him from me, that's unforgivable.  And you did it with the full knowledge of my existence, which makes it worse.  What kind of woman does that to another woman? Obviously one who's never been hurt like that before.  I hope you never know that pain.  Life has a funny way of paying you back though, karma's a bitch. 

Words of advice.