*Author’s note, this is a long one, so bear with me, as it is necessary to tell the full story from its beginning to end. Without all the details in place you could not appreciate the full scope of what happened here.
I can remember, vividly, every detail of the first moment I saw “Jay”. We were both in the 8th grade and assigned to the same Social Studies class, Mrs.Nelson. I was already seated and I looked up to see the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. He had this casual confidence and a goofy little way of walking… which I would later learn was due to an injury but the walk somehow added to his allure. He had blonde hair and had clearly been out in the sun. His jeans had a tear in the right knee, and a small oil stain on his left leg. Jay was sporting a Fox hoodie; okay so he’s one of those motorcross guys. I knew a few guys that were into that. Most notably my newly minted “best friend Erin’s' ' step brother “Bert' ' was gaga for motorcross. Maybe they knew each other? I can still smell Jay’s cologne from that day in the deep recesses of my mind and hear his voice and laugh. In my nearly 44 years, I have had more than my fair share of first meetings with men; I don't remember any of them, not one, with the clarity and detail that I do with my innocent little 13 year old, 8th grade self seeing Jay for the first time. It’s been said that there are moments in your life that cement themselves in your memory because they mean something. Being a closet romantic, I just assumed it was because Jay was meant to be important in my life. I guess, in a way, he fulfilled that and then some; but not in the way I ever imagined.
Being a proper southern lady, I did not let my feelings for Jay be known immediately. He dated a couple of other girls but it gave me time to get to know him a bit. He was funny, charming, terrible at Social Studies (I was constantly helping him in class), he had a bad boy kind of thing going on (which I have a desperate weakness for), and really was quite sweet. By the end of the first semester I was so smitten, forming simple sentences in his presence was exhausting. My feelings for Jay were the worst kept secret of our junior high, I’m pretty sure everyone knew including the staff. Erin lived just across the lake from me, we were forever at her house or mine. One day afterschool, in 9th grade, I had finally mustered up enough courage and decided I was going to ask Jay out. I told Erin of my plans, I mean, she’s one of my best friends and with her cheering me on, this might not suck.
The next morning I got on the bus with my carefully crafted note (I grew up in a time without mobile phones, so we wrote paper notes to each other) tucked securely in my back pocket. I am anxious and excited and I am hoping for some encouraging words from Erin. She gets on the very next stop after mine, so I don't have to wait long. When she gets on, her spirits are unusually high, I mean she’s vibrating. She’s a bubbly person anyway, but she's bouncing around in her seat and really more flirty with the guys than normal. I forget my issues for a minute and I ask what’s up? She pulls a neatly folded note out of her back pocket and grins and starts bouncing up and down in her seat. I said “Okay, what’s that?” Her response hit me like a freight train.
“It’s a note for Jay, I’m asking him out.”
You know that feeling you get on a rollercoaster when it drops you? Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt. I couldn’t breathe. This girl, who is supposed to be my BEST FRIEND, knows I am planning to ask Jay out and now she’s asking him out? Frenemies wasn’t a word yet but in that moment Erin redefined our relationship and that’s what we became. Erin wasn’t ugly or anything but she wasn’t the most beautiful. No, her appeal lay more in her body which was unusually well developed for a girl her age. She was also willing to do more things with guys at that point than I was doing. How was I even going to compete with that? What adolescent boy would turn down the opportunity to explore sexually with a girl who knows a few things? I was not completely unfortunate y’all… I was cute… but at this point I had very little experience.
I was devastated that Erin found Jay first. He immediately accepted her proposal. I cried in the bathroom all the way through first period. I decided though that I knew Erin, she gets bored very easily. The shine wears off the new toy, and she finds a new shinier toy. I couldn’t think of any of her recent boyfriends, and she always had a boyfriend that she hadn’t cheated on. So all I had to do was wait and position myself to catch Jay when she dropped him. That’s exactly what I did and it was hard. She didn’t lose interest. It took FOREVER! Finally as the school year ended and I was moving to a new house, away from Erin, and getting ready to attend summer school (incidentally with Jay) I got a phone call. I was shocked, it was Jay. He asked me about Erin’s relationship with this new guy that had started hanging around. I knew what Erin was doing with the new guy and apparently now so did Jay… but Erin was spinning it and gaslighting and all the tricks. Jay said to me he just needed someone to be honest with him, he needed the truth. My moment had arrived.
I told Jay every sordid detail that I knew for fact. He listened quietly. When I was done there was a long pause, I thought we got disconnected but I heard a long sigh. He finally spoke and he thanked me for being truthful with him. When he felt like no one else was telling him the truth. Obviously I couldn't expect him to just ask me out right then and there, but I made sure he knew my shoulder was available if he needed to cry on it and I was always available if he needed to talk. You know, because as Erin’s “best friend” I had a unique understanding of what she was putting him through. Well, it worked. After his phone call to me that day he called her and dumped her. I’d like to say that I felt bad, but I did not, I was elated. A few days later Jay and I were officially a couple.
At this point in my life I was a virgin… and he would loathe to admit it but so was Jay. He was looking to scratch that itch and pushed for me to do things I wasn’t really sure I was ready for. For example, he wanted a blow job in the worst way, and the idea of doing that at that point in my life kinda grossed me out. I was 14/15 years old, I had a birthday while we were together…I had let him go further than I had let any other guy because I felt so comfortable with him. I didn’t want to be a prude but I didn’t want to just give away everything either. Losing that special piece of yourself, I had been taught, was supposed to be special… a moment built on love. Jay had not expressed any feelings of love to me; frankly if he had I would have probably spontaneously combusted right there, Alas, no such declarations ever came. We had a lot of fun together though. Until the day I was at home, because it was summer time, and I was doing housework for my mom… I was a bit unnerved because I hadn’t heard from Jay yet and it was around midday. Usually I would have heard from him by then and we would have planned something. He would often ride his dirt bike or illegally drive some truck of his over to my house. We would go for walks in the woods. We had a special place we would go to just make out like fiends. So naturally not hearing from him was concerning. I just told myself that it was fine he was out on his dirt bike with the boys. Right?
I was cleaning the kitchen. I hate cleaning the kitchen, y’all. The phone rings, I think “well there he is!” When I pick up the phone, it’s very noisy. I say “Hello?” and I hear Jay’s voice. I ask him where are you? He tells me he’s at the bowling alley and he says you will never guess who I ran into… Um….I rattle off a couple of names and then I hear a giggle. It’s fucking ERIN. I say uh… well it sounds like you ran into Erin. My heart is pounding so hard I am genuinely worried it will burst from my chest. I can hear my heartbeat. I am suddenly overcome with a cold sweat and my hands are shaking. There I stand in my kitchen, praying to God, Jesus, all the Saints, and Mother Mary too that this isn’t about to go where I think it is. I said “Are y’all in the phone booth at the bowling alley?” The reply I didn't want came back… both voices chorus “Yep!”...... “Um there’s really only room for one person in that booth, how are y’all both fitting in there?
Another giggle, more sinister sounding to me and Jay says ever so casually “Oh I have her sitting on my lap.” So I ask the obvious, stupid question, “Jay, why are you at the bowling alley with Erin sitting on your lap and not with me?”
“Because she will do more stuff than you.”
Tears are free flowing down my face. Again obvious stupid question, “Are you breaking up with me, with Erin on your fucking lap?” I hear HER say “Yeah he’s dumping you. How’s that feel?” giggle He says, “It’s over. I need more.” I can hear them kissing… more giggling… Then he says something to the effect of “I’ll see you around.” and hangs up. I literally collapse to the floor. I’m shattered. She is clearly only doing this to get back at me for telling Jay she was cheating on him.She is clearly not really my friend, if she ever was. I don’t know how long I lay on that kitchen floor. I do know that the tears ran dry and my eyes were so swollen I could barely see out of them. This moment changed my life because I vowed that I would never lose a guy again because I didn't do “stuff”. Fuck special magical moments, that’s a fairytale, and apparently we weren’t living in a fairytale. So my very next boyfriend, at the tender age of 15, I gave it all away. At least he had the decency to tell me he loved me for awhile, he didn’t, but I believed him. In my mind I thought because I had given my everything it meant he wouldn’t leave me. Clearly I had forgotten that this ain’t no fairytale.
I survived the heartache, as one does. You pick yourself up and put your big girl panties on and move on. So I did. That is a different story for a different day, today is Jay’s tale. Fast forward a few years I had moved away from the area my Senior year of high school and I was back visiting for my 24th birthday. I was so excited to be coming back to the Seattle area and see all my friends, especially my very best friend, since 8th grade, Marie.I had even built a website to organize information regarding my plans and attempts to get in touch with this person or that person. It was mid 2004 so social media was in its infancy. Here’s where my personal brand of stupidity kicks in… in my search to connect with people and organize meetups and coffees or whatever I found Erin’s step brother Bert, who I knew pretty well because we briefly dated and I just spent so much time over at their house. I reached out and was surprised I got a response. When I went to reply back I hesitated because there was a question burning inside me and I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask or even should ask. I figured we were all adults now, I could ask, so I asked Bert in my return response if he had any contact with anyone from back in the day like Jay? Bert and I had already exchanged contact information but I have to say I felt a bit sad when he did not write back. Admittedly I was absolutely gobsmacked when about an hour or so later I got a text from an unknown Seattle number. It. Was. Jay. I was floating. Y’all I had a boyfriend that I adored, and was so handsome. Over and over I kept asking myself, what are you even doing Belle? For several months I concealed my texts with Jay and our night time phone conversations. The only person who knew we were talking to each other was Marie and she was really encouraging me to just focus on my boyfriend. The conversations and texts with Jay never became really inappropriate or crossed any lines… we had always had a good rapport, so it was just easy. It was a distraction from real life, an escape and I was loving every second. He promised to come to my birthday party and see me when I was in town. Over the moon doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt at the prospect of seeing Jay again.
The night of my 24th birthday finally came and Marie and I went out with a gang of girls we knew. We went to this little place that shall remain nameless and I was so honored by the number of people who came out to see me that night. One person was missing though and I hated myself for glancing at the door every time it opened. Why did I even care if Jay actually showed? I had a wonderful boyfriend at home that I was head over heels for and I honestly believed he was “the one”. So what was this? What was I doing? I drowned it all down, all the doubts and insecurity, two whole pitchers of beer to myself. I was starting to feel pretty good. Marie had to get home as she had children to take care of; I wasn’t ready to go but was staying with her… she was really cool about it and made sure that I had a ride for a bit later. I got to stay and chat with the people who remained and at some point I excused myself to the restroom and threw up everything I had ever eaten in my life along with those two pitchers of beer. It was too late though I was warm and tingly all over, I can only imagine my speech was slurred. This was absolutely the drunkest I had ever been, I have only thrown up one other time in my whole life and that was after I was challenged to take 7 vodka shots back to back and even at that moment I wasn’t as drunk as I was that night. People had bought me shots and the beer was free flowing all night, then there were my two pitchers.
When I came out of the bathroom I very wisely ordered myself another pitcher and went back to our tables. Just as I finished my first glass out of this new pitcher, who should walk in the door but Jay and his best friend Jamie. If Jay was cute in junior high and high school, he was drop dead gorgeous now. I literally stopped breathing. My knees felt weak and my heart was pounding as he and Jamie sauntered over. Still I felt bold and flirty, young and free; that alcohol freely flowing in my system. The boys sat down at the table with me and each purchased a beer. We had all been chatting for a few minutes when the girl who volunteered to take me back to Marie’s house came over with her boyfriend and said that they were ready to go. They had to get back to their kids. I was bummed, I had gotten maybe five minutes with Jay.
All of a sudden Jay pipes up and says “Uh, we can take her home, so she can finish her pitcher, it’s no problem at all.” The girl pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay with this arrangement and would I be alright. I assured her that I had known both of these guys since 8th grade and we had always been friends, they were good guys. I would be absolutely fine.
The girl and her boyfriend, also a long time friend, said their goodbyes and made their exit. So now I was left with the two guys, I was working on finishing my pitcher, they each had one glass of beer. When I look back on it now, I realize they didn’t really drink their beers… I am throwing mine back like the good little Scot-Irish girl I am and they are nursing theirs. I didn’t pay any attention to it at the time, because who am I to judge? My father spent the majority of my life trying to teach me to be observant but in an effort to be polite and kind, I write off so much, especially when I was younger. So I don’t ask and I am really too drunk to care too much anyway. We laugh and chat while I polish off that pitcher in record time and we decide to head back to town for some late night fast food before dropping me at Marie’s.
I can barely walk when we stand up. The boys just look at each other and put their arms around me and help to Jamie’s Jeep. Now my dear five or so readers, you will have to forgive me some at this point because things start getting fuzzy here and only get fuzzier as I go further and will at some points go completely dark altogether. I apologize for that, I should have never allowed myself to be in such a condition. We all make choices in life, A or B, 1 or 2, and then you have to live with those choices and the repercussions. Well I paid in spades, and now I live with it. I can remember being on the road back and it was so cold (it’s Seattle in the summer, that’s just the way it is) I was not dressed to be riding in an open Jeep in 60 degree weather. Someone put a jacket on me, but I can’t tell you who or when. We did go to the Jack in the Box or the Taco Bell but I can’t say for sure which one it was, I can tell you I left my wallet there. All of my credit cards, debit card, my drivers license, cash, various pictures, everything….gone. I am fairly certain for some reason I was not in the vehicle and I put it on top of the drive thru speaker box, but then I second guess myself because I know I could barely walk at the bar so why would I have gotten out of the Jeep?
In any case I didn’t discover the missing wallet situation until the next day, when I needed to fill up my rental car. Wherever that wallet got to it was good and gone by then. We all got something to eat I think, I don’t remember eating… I clearly had my wallet out though so I have always just hoped we all got to eat. We weren’t far from Marie’s place but we didn’t head in that direction. That’s the first time the hair on my neck stood up and I shouted over the wind of the moving Jeep “WHERE ARE WE GOING GUYS I’VE GOT TO GET BACK?” I remember the feeling of Jay’s lips against my ear and that voice of his saying to me, “It’s okay… Jamie’s just got to pick up something from his brother’s.” A sense of calm washed over me, I was so silly, these are my friends, I can trust them. Then darkness and I become aware-ish again, the Jeep is parked in front of a large two story garage with several bays. There’s a house to my right, that’s dark, but there are lights on in the garage. I just sat there, it was nearly 3 or 4 in the morning, I didn’t know these people so I would never presume to just march up into their home or garage for that matter, much less at that hour. I can’t remember exactly if Jay stayed in the backseat or if he got out and came and stood by me and talked to me. I was finding focusing really difficult, things looked blurry, and I just started feeling really hot now that we weren’t moving. I was worried about getting back to Marie’s, I did not want to disrupt her family in any way. And here I sat I could be anywhere, hell I could be in fucking Montana by now. I had literally no idea where exactly Jamie’s brother lived and I was busily beating myself up for not asking the right questions at the right times. Irresponsible. I was irresponsible. And thoughtless, a whole lot naive, way too trusting, and a whole host of other personal defects that those little voices in dark recesses of your mind scream at you in moments like this.
In the darkness a door opened between the large bay doors of the garage and Jamie walked out. He motioned to Jay to come and the next thing I remember is leaning against a metal pole inside the garage. Jay is in front of me a few feet away, leaning on some vehicle I don’t know for sure where Jamie was at this moment. Jay asked about my navel piercing, if he could see it, so I raised my shirt hem enough so he could see the piercing. I think some comment was made about my boyfriend and how he must think that’s really hot especially with the tan I was sporting at the time. But I cannot be sure of that, some comment was made. At this point I was tired, fading, I felt dizzy, things were blurry, I couldn't stay awake, I know I was confused and I didn’t know where I was. I just leaned up against that pole and tried to think positive thoughts. The dark swallowed me again, I have no idea for long this time, it’s serious talent to black out standing up whilst leaning against a pole. It could have been seconds or an hour. I don’t know. I don’t like unknowns.
I woke to the feeling of Jamie’s hands on my midsection, on the skin, under my shirt. He was behind me, Jay was leaning on that car looking at me. Jamie pulled me into him, propping me up against his own body. He took one hand and turned my face, and right there in front of Jay in his brother’s garage, Jamie kissed me. This was not a quick peck, this was a deep, passionate kiss. It was awkward because Jay was watching intently and I had never really had that kind of interest in Jamie. We “went out” for about five minutes in junior high but he ignored me the whole time so I broke up with him and we’d just been friends ever since. Not to mention the whole boundary issue, my boyfriend had been discussed on numerous occasions throughout their time with me… I was not available to be kissed. The hamster running the wheel in my poor muddled brain was trying to work out this problem when I felt a hand pull at the wide open collar of my shirt. I don’t know who did it and it doesn’t really matter now, but they pulled that collar down and then pulled my strapless bra down exposing my chest. That was when I realized Jay was touching my breasts and had his mouth on them. Jamie is behind me, still holding me up and is kissing my neck and shoulders. This is the second time the hair on my neck stands up and I freeze. I don’t know where my purse is, I don’t know where I am, I don't know where my mobile phone is and who the hell would I call? This was before smartphones, I think I had a Motorola Razor at the time, it wasn’t like I could order an Uber. It wasn’t like I could call Marie and share my location. I started to panic, but I still cannot get my brain to function enough to work out a way out of this situation. Darkness swallows me again.
Then I wake up and somehow all three of us are in some kind of loft thing in this garage. They so thoughtfully put down some kind of foam on the floor of this loft, it smelled of oil and gasoline. I used to like the smell of gasoline, I don’t anymore, because it takes me back here. The guys have completely undressed me and I’m just laying there, dizzy and confused, I can’t even talk right. Forming basic sentences is taking so much brain power, I feel like I’ve had a stroke or something. I’m scared. These guys are supposed to be my friends. What is even happening right now, I can’t process it. I keep waiting for them to reveal the sick prank, the punchline, but it never happens. I feel a tear slide down my face, but I cut that shit right off, I refuse to give them that satisfaction. Something in me reverted to my days of dealing with my very first abusive relationship and my instincts went to the “be quiet, be small, be still” mantra that got me through so much of that. I can remember whispering that to myself as I lay on that dirty piece of foam. I had hoped that maybe it was all over and I at least would have the benefit of having “slept” through it. I was incorrect, they had just finished getting me up there and undressing me. Jamie went first. I am ashamed to admit I didn’t fight, I didn’t try to say anything. They had me, entirely, we were as best I could tell in the middle of nowhere and even if we were in the middle of somewhere I wouldn't begin to know how to get to safety. Jamie’s on top of me and Jay’s just kind of watching at first until I feel his hand in my hair and he is guiding my face towards his crotch. Guess he’s going to finally get that blow job afterall. Why didn’t I bite or refuse to open my mouth or start kicking and screaming?
It’s easy really, I was a coward. I kept thinking they had clearly planned this and I didn’t want to know what they had planned if I resisted. My thoughts were on my amazing boyfriend; I was so fearful they would leave a mark or a scratch or any sort of evidence of this encounter and he would see it and we would be over. Let me be very clear though that does not, DOES NOT, imply consent on any level. A person who is so inebriated that they have trouble walking, forming coherent sentences, and keeps falling asleep cannot give consent. FULL STOP. Maybe that is exactly why they went for it I will never know. At the end of the day they saw a vulnerable woman, who they had been friends with most of their lives, and they took advantage of her, me. I’d be willing to bet they never think of that day, they live with no shame or regret or guilt or embarrassment or grief or any feeling at all about it. Me? For 20 years now, it’s been in my dreams, my thoughts, my senses and it triggers in the strangest places. I sleep with a light on because of my nightmares. (Not all related to this incident but some are.) I’m the casualty here, but somehow I’m the one trapped in a prison and they probably think they did nothing wrong.
They took turns. I don't know how many times they switched places. I fell into that darkness somewhere in there and they were still going when I woke up again. Jay was the one that drove me to Marie’s in the Jeep, alone. I don’t know where Jamie went and frankly don’t care. It was 6 or 6:30 in the morning when I got to Marie’s, the sun was coming up. I cannot remember if Jay said anything to me when he dropped me at the gate to Marie’s. There’s plenty he should have said in that moment. He might have said he would text me but I can’t be sure. As I tried to sneak into Marie’s house, I glanced at the kitchen table only to meet eyes with Marie’s grandmother. Her grandmother didn’t say a word to me, but the look she gave me said plenty. I could feel the judgment from across the room. And why not? I was filthy, I had grit and grease all over me; I smelled like a mechanic and my hair looked like it got caught in a strong tornado. My clothes weren’t even put back on properly. I cannot recall who redressed me, I had pulled so far inward at that point I was autopilot any signs of life or personality were completely absent. So much of me was just gone behind a wall that I’d built long ago to retreat behind when that boyfriend got violent.
A part of me wanted to just fall down on the floor in front of her grandmother and tell her everything that had just happened. But it was that look, that judgment, I realized in that moment I would be, will be, judged for this. I’m the whore right? I asked for it, didn’t I? I mean I invited Jay, I drank too much, I turned down two opportunities to go home safely so I could be around Jay, I didn’t leave in the total darkness of wherever the hell we were to try and randomly find my way back to Marie’s… I didn’t just call Marie who would have called out the National Guard and arrived with a bazooka, blown the doors off of the place, beat those guys down, and rescued me. But I didn’t want to wake her whole house up…. I had never in my life felt so completely powerless and I was the one that allowed my power to be taken away. I served it up on a silver platter. So I just quickly looked down at the floor and trudged off to my room. It felt like a jumbo elephant had taken up residence on my back, I felt that heavy with all the negative emotions. In that moment, most of all I felt dirty… like I’d never be clean again.
To say that Marie was upset with coming home so late, would be an understatement. She came barging into my room a few hours after I had arrived home. She told me exactly what she thought about that kind of disrespect. It only made things worse when I had to tell her I’d lost my wallet. She was kind enough to drive me back out to the bar to let me look through their parking lot for my wallet and to the drive thrus that I thought we had been to. No dice. She was fussing at me at first. I was so low that day (the day after the incident) that I honestly don’t know what I would have done to myself. Then Marie noticed the tears just streaming down my face. She was quiet for a moment and then she reached over and took my hand. I didn’t want to be touched but this was a good touch, not a bad one. The love and concern flowed from her. Marie just radiated warmth and love and a sense of peace from the chaos going on in my life. I held her hand all the way to the bar and I can honestly say that one tiny gesture likely saved my life. She never asked what happened that night and I haven’t spoken of that night to anyone, until now, because I feel like I shouldn’t have to live in silence anymore. This burden is one I should finally be able to put down.
Erin surprised everyone by coming into town, while I was in town. I heard she was at her parents and I reached out. She summoned me over for beers and firepit time with the family. I thought that would be really great because I always loved her family. When I got there lo and behold who was there? Like a moth to a flame, Jay was there… which explains why I didn’t hear from him at all that day and I had been hearing from him consistently everyday before that… that or he had gotten what he wanted and moved on. I can’t be sure. He almost immediately pulled me aside and asked me if we were “cool” (why wouldn’t we be cool? Did you do something wrong?) and he continued with the line “afterall you seemed to really enjoy yourself” as he slid his hand down my arm and I swallowed a shudder. He was actually throwing in my face that I climaxed. Mind you, 24 year old me did not know what 44 year old me now knows, I thought then that climaxing meant you liked it. IT DOES NOT. It is an automatic response to the stimulation of certain nerves and it is common in situations like this. At the time I was so ashamed of that one little fact, perhaps more ashamed than anything else, because I struggle to climax in normal situations and here I’d done it not wanting to.
Jay asked me to keep it just between us, that it’s a private matter. Fucker, doesn’t want me to tell Erin about it. Not that I would because we haven’t been close like that for years but seriously? I said something to the effect of “sure, yeah, whatever… we’re good.” And I just pretended like nothing had happened. The night I was leaving town, supposedly Jay tried to meet me at the airport for coffee to talk, but he didn’t make it in time. I don’t know he could have been sitting on his couch at home just telling me that, but at the time I thought maybe he was attempting to apologize. After I was home for a while, I emailed Jay and told him how I felt about that night, all my true feelings for him, and how it was all different since that night. He wrote back. He said he was sorry to hear that I didn’t enjoy that evening, that he thought I did. I shouldn't feel guilt or shame because it's just all consenting adults, except no one asked me, I was incapable of giving consent in that condition. He again throws in my face the fact that I climaxed by saying something like “I mean you finished… so you had a good time” As for any mention of my true feelings, he just said he doesn’t feel that way for me. Fair enough. I only brought it up to emphasize how wrong all of this felt to me. I had that wonderful boyfriend, unfortunately the amazing boyfriend noticed something was off when I got back. I didn’t want to be intimate, I jumped when he touched me, and when he asked if something happened I would become emotional but remain silent. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. What would he think of me? I dreaded the look of disgust in his eyes, the repulsion, and ultimately the rejection. It didn’t last long after that, for a variety of reasons but this was the biggest wedge between us.
As the years have gone on the blurry memories of that night have not faded. Even after two comas, where huge swaths of memory are just gone from my mind… not the memory of that night. Sure it is blurry and riddled with spots of darkness, but I know what happened to me that night. Even if I had agreed to it in some drunken stupor at some point in the evening, that consent was revoked the moment I fell asleep the first time. You do not keep going after someone has fallen asleep, just because they agreed when they were awake. You are not that entitled. How dare you take advantage of our friendships, my vulnerable state, and my 20 years of silence. I can still feel your hands tugging on my body, smell that garage and that foam, feel the grit and grease on my skin, and hear the sounds you made… It is as fresh in my mind today as it was the morning after. I live with that everyday of my life, and I doubt you give it even a second thought. You sentenced me to 20 years of hell and sauntered off without a care. I now release this into the universe in the hopes that it will make it easier for me to talk about in counseling and no longer haunt me as it does. Thank you for being my friend for so many years, but you can fuck all the way off for what you did to me.
