Sunday, August 13, 2023

Wish You the Best

     It has been suggested to me in the comments about by messages sent to me following my last post that I deserved better or that I am better somehow.  While it would be easy for me to succumb to that sentiment allow me to say this much, Dave is not a bad guy. He apparently just was not MY guy. I have faults in this too. I had behaviors that I allowed to go on for too long, unchecked, and if I could speak to him now I would own up to those behaviors.  If I could speak to Dave today, I would own my responsibility in the choices he made and I would apologize for my part in any pain I may have caused him.  Out of respect for him, the relationship, friendship, and the love that I felt for him I owe him that much. I don't know if you can heal if you do not accept your own role in things; you certainly cannot learn from anything if you never take responsibility.  

    That being said I think it is also important to be honest with yourself.  I had to stop looking at her TikTok because it was killing me.  This woman I barely knew existed, suddenly exploded onto my radar, took four months of hard won healing, and tossed it in the wood chipper. My heart and soul was  ; I was raw.  I was angry.  All this time I had been so sad but now I was furious. It felt like I was under coordinated attack for no reason, other than just being the ex.  The ex, an undesirable, something to be destroyed at all costs... but why? Unless the ex girlfriend or wife does something to you; why do some women feel the need to be openly hostile, confrontational, even murderous towards them? Must we really lower ourselves to that level? With the whole world seemingly hell bent on taking from women, shouldn't we be working together to give to each other? I couldn't figure her out, was she attacking me, was she trying to be friends, was she marking her territory? I'm sure it would please her to no end to know I've lost sleep trying to work this out.  And so, I had to give it up I just don't even look because she can see when I look at her stuff and it just worms into my mind and deeply bothers me.  That has not stopped people from reporting to me what is going on over there on her TikTok.  I may not have her level of following but I have pretty good following with good numbers, if I do say so myself, and my "army" to turn her phrase looks out for me too.  Thanks y'all but I've had enough. 

    Some have suggested that I wouldn't have wanted to be his second choice anyway.  This is true.  Unwittingly I was though, because they were together before me, then we got together and then she called wanting him back; so he went. That's where he really wanted to be.  You see he called us by the same pet names, and we had the same inside jokes.  Hell I've even been told we look similar.  He was recreating a relationship he didn't think he would have again, with me.  The instant the real McCoy became an option again the knock off did not look so shiny anymore.  It's not that either one of us ladies is better than the other, its just a matter of preference.  He wanted her, not me.  I was never going to be her.  I just wanted him and had for 9 years.  Maybe if I had spoken up sooner? Who knows. 

    So before you go allow me to say from the bottom of my sad shriveled little black heart I wish you the best.  Both of you, really.  M, we really might have been friends, could have been. D, I did love you, I believe in you. Thank you for believing in me for a short time and allowing me to know what it's like to be a bride for a little while. That experience was amazing. Thank you for the endless laughs and the boundless talks.  I am sorry for my part in things and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my transgressions.  It is my hope for you both that this is your forever and that everyday is worth it.  

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