Sunday, March 11, 2012

Rules for Online Dating

How to Lose a Lady in 10 Seconds or Just Really Quickly

I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?
~Kristin Davis

Spring has sprung in the South and it looks like it will be beautiful! Spring always brings with it an air of love potential for blooming (like the damn flowers constantly having air sex and thus screwing with my allergies)DSCN0302 and of course the opportunity for rebirth after a dismal winter.

Alright I will admit I have dated online more than any one normal person should. In my defense however, you have read my entries on what happens when I meet someone through friends, or at a bar. So bearing that in mind, dear ten readers, I am sure you can excuse my alternative methods. At least I hope you can either way I don’t guess I have really have a choice… so I probably should not give a rip what you think; but you keep reading so I guess I kind of have to care what you think otherwise I should just go back to talking to my dog. He usually starts snoring, farting, or licking his bits or some combination thereof so I am suspicious he is actually listening. I should also mention that the one time I snopesbelieve I truly was in love came from an online relationship, so they can’t all be bad right? I tried to “Snopes” that statistic that one in five relationships begin online though I can find no solid evidence on it other than a really great marketing ploy. As a communications major, I salute you


It is with all that in mind that I will tell you how to turn off a potential date in ten seconds or maybe a bit more if you seem viable for a minute and then… not so much.

The first thing people should bear in mind when setting up an online profile is that they should supply a recent photo, when I say recent I mean it was taken at MINIMUM in the last decade. tumblr_lopy48PJVd1qlqj66o1_500Seriously there is nothing worse than showing up for a date and being approached by an elderly gentleman (old enough to be your grandpa) and him welcoming you to the date. How do you get out of that? He is like your grandfather… You can’t kick Paw-Paw in his baby-makers and take off running. This is especially creepy if his “screen name” was something like “Luvinforyou”.

Which leads to the second important part of profile building; name selection is key. Usually on your name alone I will decide whether to even open message, if that is what I have received and I am not just trolling pictures. Recently I got a message from a service I had forgotten I even had a functioning profile on; so I, of course, out of complete curiosity went and had a looksDr Evilee. The first message in my “mailbox” was from a guy who called himself “Dr.Nothing”. Yeppers, that right there is a big negative ghost rider. What am I to glean from you calling yourself “Dr.Nothing”? That tells me you are a nothing… and have a doctorate at being nothing. Or perhaps you have a PhD that you printed off one of those sites and truly a Doctor of nothing. Anyway you go at it that is a poor choice.

Any screen name about Satan, Aliens, LARP, or being a SatanGood Guy makes me immediately question anything you have to say. Usually I will read these messages for sheer amusement, but rarely reply unless I seealien_asgard_stargate more hilarity ensuing. For example, I messaged a guy back that had a name along the lines of “Klingon4Life” and he queried back as to whether or not I would be willing to learn the Klingon and the images11Elvish languages. K4L, said that he found that hot and fully expected any mate of his to speak in each one around the house and teach them to their offspring. Two things here Mr. Worf (yes I grew up on an extremely healthy diet of sci-fi so I am allowed to dork out sometimes), beyond the fact that you are counting on your date to learn two imaginary languages; you also brought up having offspring in the second email. DELETE. c5

When forming and shaping this public image of yourself, just as you would prepare yourself to go to a bar or wherever you preference is for mate seeking. Pictures speak volumes. First there should be one. As previously mentioned a recent one, one that reflects you, not one taking in your bathroom mirror, by yourdating-fails-smiling-and-everything mother/grandmamma, not taking from that weird above your head angle ie: the myspace photo, any Photo Shop work should not be obvious, and a picture of you with your previous girlfriend (or boyfriend, yeah that’s happened) scribbled out with MS Paint is no bueno. That picture of you holding your nose like a pig, is funny fun 6251_1202781872397_1314103698_540914_4696180_ntimes for you and your damn idiot moron friends, but is not going to sell me or any other normal functioning female on you. Having a large quantity of drugs in the background of your picture, legal or illegal, leads to a lot of awkward questions; drawing a beautiful halo above your head with MS Paint causes me to delete without even reading7217_1264356411722_1314103698_742639_7298381_n a word. If your spray tan is darker than the best dark chocolate, and you were Irish white to begin with… no go. If you are orange like some kind of whorish Oompa Loompa, your collar is “popped” you are wearing a Ed Hardy, Affliction, or a shirt with a deep V cut neckline, and show yourself wearing sunglasses at night, then I can only assume you think you are from/a huge fan of the Jersey Shore and I am not interested.




The only thing worse than a profile with no information on it is one that reveals too much; yes you should tell about yourself. You should never, however, tell me how child-brain-injuryyour “hoe ex grilfired cheated on u wit every guy on da block”. This type of information tells me two things one, you cannot spell or have suffered some kind of brain injury or perhaps think you are Lil’ Wayne,wayne-custom-beats-headphones and you are clearly not in the shape for a new relationship because you are still dealing with the wounds from the last one. I can see the constant text arguments and stalker ex “grilfired” showing up at all hours/places trying to create havoc. Clearly you two belong together and I am not interested in standing in your way. Also, side note: “hoe” is a gardening tool, my good sir; I do believe you meant “ho” which would be a shortened slang version of the word whore.


Do not tell me you live with your parents in your profile, even if you do. I cannot judge you there, but do not advertise it until you know I am okay with it. I do not mind because I know how it happens but other girls not so much. Do not tell me that you have seven kids and you love them so much and loved each of their momma’s for giving them to you. biological_clock243-940x626Although this clearly appeals to my ticking biological clock and my instinct to pick a virile mate, it logically makes me question you decision making skills and possibly the health of your penis.

Any rant on political views, religious ideologies, and/or drugs is an immediate turn off. It is fine for you to salute12mention you are devout Roman Catholic but to go off on other religions being unholy or going to hell, as a Baptist I am probably not going to respond. Political views usually best saved for a few dates in and only if you are the type of people that have the ability to agree to disagree. Any mention of being a KKK member or a Nazi and I am out, the same goes with “I have a tasteful facial tattoo.” There is no such thing as “tasteful” facial tat. Sorry.


Finally, if you come across my profile that clearly states I am heterosexual and you are a lesbian or bisexual woman and I have not indicated an interest please for love of Sweet Baby Jesus do not message me and ask if I would like to take a walk on the “wild side”.saul-bass-walk-on-the-wild-side-title-sequence I have no problem with your choice; I do have a problem with you trying to change mine. It makes me feel a bit icky. No hard feelings, I just do not swing that way.

Lou Reed…. You have to love this song… because it gets stuck in your head. HA HA Song headache.

So there it is the big issues I have found with online profilVictorian Gentleman and Ladyes… I did not even get to the actual writing of messages. Although I think you could clearly glean from my writings that I expect you to speak English and not some version of it or text speak. What has happened to gentlemen and the digital age? Where are you hiding? Please find me! (And some of my poor friends who haven’t yet lost the nerve to continue with this online dating thing)

xoxo ~A


  1. Replies
    1. The best part is some of those pictures were actually taken from profiles/messages I have received over the years.... sigh. Basically it is because I am awesome.

    2. PS: you will notice I took down the warning.... ; )

  2. 9 outta 10 guys are dill holes...On behalf of my species...I apologize profusely...You'll find the right one dear. He's out there, somewhere : )

    This post was excellent, witty and made me fall out of my chair, I was laughing so hard. Thanks for that Ms. Ma'am!

    1. Really? I think you think too highly of me... or just say stuff really nice.... hmmmm.... I didn't even think this was that funny. I was really trying to help a guy out here.... you should pass around amongst your boys.... Seriously. And if 9 out of 10 are assholes, then I am overdue for like 82 good ones... are the bad ones killing them off before they get to the house?

  3. To answer your photo question^...It is Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball and they are drinking a vanilla malt and a cherry coke...I do think highly of you dear AND say really nice stuff, so get over it. I would pass this on to my brethren, but most of them are of the picture book perusing variety. Sorry :( Maybe instead of looking for the really nice guy and to avoid the really bad ones, you should aim for the middle of the spectrum a bit? Just a thought. It's possible that one of the bad ones is holding a sign outside of your neighborhood that reads, "Keep going, the Amanda your looking for, doesn't live here." and nice guys, well being nice and all; politely believe them and keep on going. For a nominal fee, I can offer my services to...remedy you of this sign holder if you want...they say the target is dead before the sound of the shot ever reaches his least that's what I

    1. Vanilla Malt and Cherry Coke? ewwww... that sounds just wrong. I don't even want to know how or why you know that.... Damn Dave how old are you? lol <3 I love Lucy... always have always will. I do provide a lot of pictures, but not the ones they are probably looking for. hmmm... Right now I am not really aiming for any spectrum. I have enough going on to worry about anyone else... and so many good stories to tell now. I will wait until I run out of stuff to talk about before I go looking for more. It is funny I have heard they do actually hear the pop, but supposedly it is the sound of the bullet hitting the skull... not the actual shot... I don't know and never care to.