Sunday, August 13, 2023

Wish You the Best

     It has been suggested to me in the comments about by messages sent to me following my last post that I deserved better or that I am better somehow.  While it would be easy for me to succumb to that sentiment allow me to say this much, Dave is not a bad guy. He apparently just was not MY guy. I have faults in this too. I had behaviors that I allowed to go on for too long, unchecked, and if I could speak to him now I would own up to those behaviors.  If I could speak to Dave today, I would own my responsibility in the choices he made and I would apologize for my part in any pain I may have caused him.  Out of respect for him, the relationship, friendship, and the love that I felt for him I owe him that much. I don't know if you can heal if you do not accept your own role in things; you certainly cannot learn from anything if you never take responsibility.  

    That being said I think it is also important to be honest with yourself.  I had to stop looking at her TikTok because it was killing me.  This woman I barely knew existed, suddenly exploded onto my radar, took four months of hard won healing, and tossed it in the wood chipper. My heart and soul was  ; I was raw.  I was angry.  All this time I had been so sad but now I was furious. It felt like I was under coordinated attack for no reason, other than just being the ex.  The ex, an undesirable, something to be destroyed at all costs... but why? Unless the ex girlfriend or wife does something to you; why do some women feel the need to be openly hostile, confrontational, even murderous towards them? Must we really lower ourselves to that level? With the whole world seemingly hell bent on taking from women, shouldn't we be working together to give to each other? I couldn't figure her out, was she attacking me, was she trying to be friends, was she marking her territory? I'm sure it would please her to no end to know I've lost sleep trying to work this out.  And so, I had to give it up I just don't even look because she can see when I look at her stuff and it just worms into my mind and deeply bothers me.  That has not stopped people from reporting to me what is going on over there on her TikTok.  I may not have her level of following but I have pretty good following with good numbers, if I do say so myself, and my "army" to turn her phrase looks out for me too.  Thanks y'all but I've had enough. 

    Some have suggested that I wouldn't have wanted to be his second choice anyway.  This is true.  Unwittingly I was though, because they were together before me, then we got together and then she called wanting him back; so he went. That's where he really wanted to be.  You see he called us by the same pet names, and we had the same inside jokes.  Hell I've even been told we look similar.  He was recreating a relationship he didn't think he would have again, with me.  The instant the real McCoy became an option again the knock off did not look so shiny anymore.  It's not that either one of us ladies is better than the other, its just a matter of preference.  He wanted her, not me.  I was never going to be her.  I just wanted him and had for 9 years.  Maybe if I had spoken up sooner? Who knows. 

    So before you go allow me to say from the bottom of my sad shriveled little black heart I wish you the best.  Both of you, really.  M, we really might have been friends, could have been. D, I did love you, I believe in you. Thank you for believing in me for a short time and allowing me to know what it's like to be a bride for a little while. That experience was amazing. Thank you for the endless laughs and the boundless talks.  I am sorry for my part in things and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my transgressions.  It is my hope for you both that this is your forever and that everyday is worth it.  

Friday, August 11, 2023

Someone You Loved

     On October 20, 2023, a Friday, a lucky day according to Norse culture, a good day for weddings... I was supposed to be getting married. A lovely fall wedding set in the outdoors, a

Our first date. 
coming together of his Chinese/Norse heritage and my Scot/Irish heritage.  A celebration of our shared geekiness with tongue in cheek nods to our love of Star Trek.  It would be a blending of families, with a big party and lots of food and drinks and laughs. I had started contacting venues long ago, florists, researching any possible way to save a buck. I'll admit it became an obsession. From the minute he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me I was a woman on a mission. We picked out my rings at Jared, I don't know that I have ever seen anything so beautiful. There they sit, waiting to be picked up, like sad abandoned children. My mother and I went and tried on dresses at a couple bridal shops and I think I found one I liked well enough. The best part of it all was I was so content.  I loved this man and I thought he loved me.  I thought I had finally found my happy ending and no matter what he and I would work through whatever came because we loved each other.  I found myself sitting and just softly smiling to myself thinking so this, THIS is finally what real love feels like.  And it felt so good. 

Something like this.

    Instead on the 20th of October 2023 I will have knee surgery.  He is gone. Dave has been gone nearly a year now.  Best I can gather he decided he didn't love me as much as he thought when an ex girlfriend of his called and told him she wanted him back. 

Total Knee Arthoplasty

Now they are having a nearly identical wedding to the one I was planning. I know all this because she continuously posts about me and them and their wedding on TikTok and since we "interacted" I get a message every time she posts something. I knew Dave for 9 years, nearly a decade.  I trusted him with everything, my brother's life, secrets, inside jokes, my failures... everything. I guess he gave me the gift of knowing what a bride feels like for a short time.  That's something I may not ever get again. Maybe I owe him a thank you for that? 

    I let my guard down and he pulled the rug right out from under me, just when I was getting used to the idea of being loved by someone. He knew my history and somehow he managed to do more damage than all the others.  I went to bed for a month, a solid month, after he dumped me without so much as a goodbye.  Dave did get emotional when he was doing the dumping, he started crying, but I

This Kansas

don't know what that means exactly.  His words were so confusing, he said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship anymore, but his new girl lives in Kansas and we live in NC (although rumor has it he has now moved to Kansas to be with her).  He said didn't want to be a stepdad but she has more kids than I do.  

    One day he allowed her to attack me on social media.  That's how I found out about them.  Four months after the break up and I am doing okay, fine.  Here comes Miss Thang.  Tagging him in a post comment on my Instagram.  Trying to be the bigger person I just deleted and blocked.  Clearly thick, and not able to pick up on obvious messages, she hit up my Facebook page and commented on several posts.  I reply to

everyone so I was just going through replying to comments and since she had a different handle I didn't immediately register that it was the same person.  Except the profile picture was the same, her and him with him behind her and his arms around her.  I got my best friend involved and she blasted her, while I called her out on another comment and basically just said "Look I know who you are, I get what you're trying to do.  I get it, you're with him now and I'm not.  Good for you. Now be gone you troll." She feigned innocence and tried to play dumb... like I'm stupid.  Maybe I'm not as good at these internet games as she is but I'm far from stupid. 

    So if you're wondering how you steal someone's boyfriend/fiancĂ©... make a TikTok post about how you listened to Taylor Swift and it has given you the courage to call him up and you don't care that he's with that girl. You only had an entire year you could have called while you were both single, but you didn't want him until he moved on.  Fully knowing he never really got over you in the first place, and not giving a shit that he's finally in a happy place.... your selfish needs come first right? We may not have been perfect but we were happy and we laughed a lot. 


    I honestly wish you both the best. That's all I can do with all the love I have for him, all the respect I have for him.  The promise I made to continue to be his friend if it didn't work out. Which is clearly not happening now.  I miss him, his presence in my life because honestly I can't remember a time when he wasn't part of my life anymore.  You took him from me, that's unforgivable.  And you did it with the full knowledge of my existence, which makes it worse.  What kind of woman does that to another woman? Obviously one who's never been hurt like that before.  I hope you never know that pain.  Life has a funny way of paying you back though, karma's a bitch. 

Words of advice.