Stand Where I Stood: “It”

I couldn’t breathe, gasping desperately like a goldfish out of water I lay there my head swimming with the realities of what had just happened… No this couldn’t be real… this has to be a dream or a concussion or something… something else, not real… please not real. It took a few minutes for me to come back to the surface and like bobbing up out of a deep pool I came to and he was there. I can still see his face from that first time. He did not say anything. He didn’t even ask if I was okay, he watched me lay there and catch my breath, after he had knocked it out of me with a swift and decisive punch to the stomach. He watched me, head cocked to the side, like maybe he wasn’t sure what had just happened. Looking back, into those eyes I know it was less of a surprise and more of realization that he could do it… he could hit me and I would fall and not fight back. Those eyes, soft and brown like the velvet coat on a chestnut horse, they were clipped with hardness now and it cut through me like knife. Finally he just said

“Get up.”

That was how it began. He swore it wasn’t on purpose; that he’d never do it again, if only I just knew how angry I made him or how crazy I made him feel.

“I love you, so much, I couldn’t stop myself. I’m sorry, so sorry… it will never ever happen again. I swear.”

That night I wanted more than anything to believe him. I’ve had the wind knocked out of me before; always on accident in a crowded hallway or something like that. It never feels good; it always takes you by surprise, but this time, this time I never saw it coming. I didn’t even see the fist or the punch; I only felt it land and the impact and then the ground as I slumped down trying to breathe. I fell to my side, with tears stinging in my eyes, trying to figure out what I had done. Surely I ran into him or he stopped short or something… I did not want to be an after school special. I couldn’t be, not me. I was so deliberately normal, a practiced façade I kept so that no one would know that I dream of a future like Star Trek or believe in fairies and that I wish books like Tolkien’s were real.   I read everything that comes in front of me. I read the encyclopedia growing up. I was nerd. I am a nerd, I wanted to be popular, well liked, adored, loved… wanted. I practiced entire conversations in my head and out loud, working out every feasible outcome so I would know exactly what to say and do should any eventuality arise.

This was not eventuality I had ever practiced.

I was still just 15 that first time. That first fist, first bruise, first lie; all of it was more galvanizing to me than the loss of my virginity. I remember it clearly; all the way to the bottom like the lake my family had once come across on a day trip through the mountains of the Pacific Northwest.  I can tell you what I was wearing, what he was wearing, that he hadn’t shaved that day and was scruffy looking, no one was at his house it was just us. The day was a typical dreary Seattle day, nothing special there. I had just had my hair trimmed, he didn’t like that. He said I took too much length off. When I told him it was my hair that he did not get a say in what I did with it… I could shave my head… that was it. It.

Burning in my lungs, rolling onto my side and then back seeing his hand still in a fist above me… his eyes… oh God his eyes. Once I thought they might be what a doe’s eyes looked like if I ever got close to a deer. Now they were like black coals, dark and frightening, black and full of something I couldn’t place. His mouth was open he was panting a bit; he ran his other hand through his hair. He smelled of wood, gasoline, cigarettes, and Drakkar. It all happened so quickly, one minute we were joking around, making out, he put his hands in my hair and pulled it free from the knot I had twisted it into. It was too short. I had only taken an inch or so off, I often wonder now if this moment is why I keep my hair so long. He stood up and smiled this smile I came to know so well… this was the bad smile, the crazy one… he asked

“You cut your hair?”

I dismissed the question. It was so silly. Of course I cut my hair, it needed a trim. I shrugged and turned my head to grab my things and that’s when my innocence, my world, imploded. Everything sort of blurs for a minute I just remember pieces of things. I remember reaching out and grasping at his leg, the feel of the jeans and the tension in his body. Perhaps he fully expected me to get up and come right back at him, but then again no.  I am not and never was that kind of person; even with all my bravado and fiery temper, I just couldn’t find it in me to stand up and fight back. I do not know why; all I know is that I have worked a long time to forgive myself for not fighting back that day. The trip in his old beat up, truck was quiet except for his pleas of mercy and forgiveness. He filled my head with promises and oaths of fidelity and “never agains”. By the time we got to my house that was maybe three miles away, I was having trouble focusing on all his ways of loving me and the impossibilities of it ever happening again and all the reasons we should never talk about it or say anything to my parents.

He was right, about that, I knew I couldn’t tell my parents. The shame of it was just too much.  My parents, the only people who know me better than myself, the people I could say anything to and often did, this was my secret now. My parents love me unconditionally and it pains me I couldn’t talk to them, it hurts I kept it all from all my closest friends. I had a secret, a real secret, something I could never tell another soul; this was my burden. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, right? So surely it wouldn’t be a huge deal.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have known there is predictable pattern of behavior. A clear cycle that every man who batters women follows. The only thing I knew then, was this was a guy I had given my body to, he had seen me at my most vulnerable and precious moments.  This was something that happened in movies and those stupid films, the cautionary tales, that they show in Home Economics or Health class. This wasn’t something that happened at my school, or to people like me. Girls like me are all sunshine and rainbows; we don’t have dirty little secrets, we don’t have anything to be ashamed of.  This sort of thing happened in other places, to girls who came from broken homes and did drugs or slept with everyone or so many other things I deemed to be not normal.  I was 15 and I didn’t know shit.

2325: Nice Guys of OKC are Really, Really Real! Or Douchebag Mother load

I recently found a website that had posts from users of a dating site called OKCupid in which they showed the particularly douchebag behavior of men on the site.  Usually the behavior was screened behind the guise of being “a nice guy” but really is just a passive aggressive backdoor form of misogyny.  In the spirit of being a humanist (or at least having some faith that men could not be that bad)  I decided that these accounts of horrors inflicted on my female compatriots had to be fake or at least exaggerated.  So in the interest of journalism and blogging everywhere… okay… and for my own amusement I sought out the right guy to test my theory on.

Under any normal circumstance I would and have always ignored rude messages I received from any guy on a dating site.  Out of principle I would not rise to the occasion but this was different and I had to know how far I could take it before the lady in me could take it no further.   Enter a man who’s screen name is “sayyessir1” who clearly did not take the time to read my rather descriptive profile… that is quite clear on the fact that I am not, NOT, looking for just a sexual encounter, a random booty call, or any other untoward affair.  I am after all “the Belle”.  I have standards, and they are exacting, as should any lady.  I think most troublesome to me is that if he is sayyessir1 that usually means that he is the second and there are more out there. 

On his profile he states he is a “dom”.  Gag.  After reading over his profile and his obvious glee in sexually objectifying women and his disdain for any woman with spirit I knew he was the right guy for my experiment.  Further still his first message to me proved it.  He actually wrote to me “I’m not sure we are looking for the same things but I am interested in a sexual relationship.”   And so dear readers… all 12 of you… I lowered myself into the pit of nauseating banter to glean the following gold for you and your entertainment.  Enjoy.

So there it is my loves… that sad truth.  Was I too bitchy? Too snarky? Since I was really baiting the situation maybe I was not entirely fair….  given the fact that he is still messaging me after that response perhaps not.  Judge me with all fairness my friends, the dating world is a nasty one.

Confronting the Student Loan Scandal in America

Rolling Stone magazine this month confronts the Student Loan Scandal. I highly recommend the read. As a student myself I consistently wonder if I am getting what I am "paying" for... or in this case will be paying for. I may never own a home, afford children, indeed find work because of some companies policy on checking credit. Fascinating read and I actively encourage this read for anyone. The government has a sick and twisted way of making college necessary and lying to young people and people like me, older but no way to pay out of pocket for school because of the high price on tuition. According to the article the now government owned student loan program stands to make 184 billion dollars off of the student loan programs in the next few years... That's right BILLION. Student debt in this country is already in the TRILLION range. I realize this is a departure from my usual attempt at a humorous approach but this is a serious issue and I think all people should be aware of the scam being perpetrated on America's youth; that could stand to bankrupt an already fragile economy on a level not yet seen in this economy. Worth mentioning, if you declare bankruptcy student loans cannot be included. As the article states, even gamblers can declare their debts in bankruptcy.

As recently as this summer, when I took a term off Sallie Mae started calling for money on a loan. They even called my father. Like he can do anything in these tough economic times. What was he suppose to say to these people? Between my medical debts for my illness and student loans... I may never be out of debt. Follow the link here:

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/ripping-off-young-america-the-college-loan-scandal-20130815

Read the article.... inform yourself. Perhaps we should find a way to rise up and say enough is enough. Oh wait... typically as a nation we are too apathetic to do so... We should be outraged! We should stand up and say something about a lot that is happening in this country and yet silence and apathy is the name of the game. Please read the article and let me know your thoughts on the matter.

God's Gonna Cut You Down

God will find the Westboro Baptist Church one day... They showed up to protest the funerals of the children of Sandy Hook.  The God I believe in will not tolerate this sort of hate and justice will befall those who have done this wrong.  God bless those in Newtown and those around the area who came to form a human wall to shield the families from such absolute non sense.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace....

I do not know when the events of last Friday, December 14th, 2012, will leave my mind. If they ever will... All I know is that children should never have to fear anything of that magnitude. How are you to ever tell your children there are no monsters when clearly there are in this world? How do you explain away or answer their little questions, full of innocence and the black and white world of children?

For the first time since I came of age, I was glad not to be a parent yet on Friday... I feared answering those questions. Questions I have seen on Facebook from friends and their children like "Why didn't Jesus save them? That wasn't nice of Him" or "Where was Santa? Doesn't he like children? He has helpers everywhere..." or the simple "Why didn't the police stop the bad man?"

Perhaps the world is to really end on Friday the 21st... what have we to show for it? What arguments could we make? The only things that make the news anymore are bloody, violent, and pure evil. I do not truly believe the world is meant to end... My calendar ends every year and I do not freak out... but my point is where is the good news? When will we learn? When will we learn that guns and mental illness need some serious rethinking and work in this country and around the world. Norway has had problems too... in recent years... violence and the criminal mind is not limited to just America. I just worry we stigmatize mental illness so much and hold guns so dear. According to ABC news, there are more gun stores in the United States than there are McDonald's restaurants. To me that is insane.

The second amendment to which so many cling to so dearly was written in a time and place vastly different than our own. One where men were meant to defend themselves from a vulnerable position as a fledgling nation, provide for their families, and certainly a place where the accuracy of weapons, particularly handguns or pistols was not that great. If the strictest of proponents want to own muskets and muzzle-loaders then great have at it. The founding fathers could never have fathomed this sort of thing happening... much less automatic weapons, assault rifles, sniper rifles, extend clips with quick release and reload.... on goes the list. These were and would have been fairy tale type weapons and likely considered widely unnecessary... Why on earth would they have needed a gun that could cut down trees? What kind of people have we become to hold so dearly to such a antiquated, misunderstood, and taken vastly out of context law?

As a writer I believe in freedom of speech; the good come with the bad. I can close my ears to what I do not want to hear. I believe the quote goes "I may not agree with what you say but I will fight to the death for your right to say it." I cannot apply this same sort of logic to the second amendment. So I ask you dear Belles, many of you I know grew up hunting and around guns, I did too... When will we learn? How many more Columbine's or now "Sandy Hooks" must there be before we realize the truth sitting in front of our face? How many more benchmark events of tragic, unnecessary death and violence must we have before our eyes are opened? A gun is meant for nothing more than to destroy living tissue. That is what my Daddee always taught us kids. As an object it is just a paperweight; when wielded by man it is a killing machine. That is the lesson we were given from the smallest memories. My father eventually got rid of all weapons in the house, even my grandaddy's shotgun, he no longer saw the need. Especially with all the violence around us all the time. So how much longer will we as a nation "sleep"? How many more children is this nation willing to use as currency to pay for this amendment, this antique right? How long must my heart and the hearts of so many be broken?

God bless y'all.... Happy Christmas. And please no matter your opinions, think about what I have said. Just give it a minute or two and think.

~a

PS: this video is so moving until the scream at the end.... highly unnecessary in my opinion but I warn you it is there.

Wedding Ninjas: 8/4/12

"May you live all the days of your life...."
Jonathan Swift

When I was in Junior High School an English teacher of mine told me if I wanted it my gift to the world could be my words. I do not know about that so much; I have never given words as a gift… to my knowledge. Perhaps I have written something that has moved someone and I do not know it. I no longer share my poetry out of sheer self-consciousness; all I really do anymore is write like this for my blog(s) and if you could only see my journal collection. So I guess I have never given much thought until recently the power words have and the gift they can be. I have no money. I own nothing of my own really… I am a poor student. I have nothing else to give but what I can write here. So for two of the greatest people in my life who are making a commitment to each other for what I honestly believe will be for their whole lives and beyond. This is what I would say if wedding ninjas could fly…

For Jessica and Jared on their Wedding Day:

Things happen in life that you sometimes do not see or appreciate for what they are at the time. I took a job I hated that gave me more than just a paycheck and in the long run more than I could have ever asked for. Sometimes the most horrible situations bring with them miracles unseen or unnoticed until moments of quiet reflection.

On the evening of Saturday, April 2^nd, 2011, I agreed to work the concession stand at a dirt race track for my boss at the time. Highlight of my life. While there I got a simple text from Jessica, one of the best friends I have ever had, it was a simple picture of a beautiful blue ring. I thought it was gorgeous. I am shocked at the time it took for me to realize it was more than just a beautiful ring; it was the most beautiful ring.

Allow me to back up a moment… I met Jessica in a training class for a new job. At first glance she seemed shy and, forgive me, bookish. I never imagined that God, fate, life… whatever you subscribe to, put her in my path for a reason. She was and is so much more than my first glance told me. Jessica is a beautiful, wise, fun, daring, brave, and a confident young woman and I even being so much older than her quickly found I had/have much to learn from her.

Enter a very tall, very intelligent, and quick witted Jared. I cannot deny the irony of a conversation that Jess and I had in the shoe department of a store one day after work about how cute the “I.T. guy” was and that I liked him. I ended up dating someone else who deserves no mention here except that it was through him that I got to know Jared better, and was able to help bring Jessica and Jared together. I would like to take my small bow here, for being SOLELY responsible for bringing them together… because that’s how I roll.

Jared and that guy I dated… his name fails me now… moved in together and I was living with that guy so for a small time of my life I occupied space with Jared on a regular basis. I am pretty sure it was during this time that he learned I was the most irritating person he had ever encountered; of course I never meant to be, but these things happen. We had some hilariously epic… err… moments. Ranging from thoughts on parking to how okra should be properly fried in the south.

Jessica being the closest thing I have had to a best friend in North Carolina in all the 13-ish years I have lived here fascinated me. She was so much of the person I wanted/want to be and have never had the courage to. Jared and Jessica coming together was the most organic and natural collision of two souls I have ever witnessed. It was clear, very clear, from day one that something special was happening. I am so privileged to have witnessed it from its conception until now with the commencement of a new chapter… THE chapter.

Jared and Jessica have taught me so much over the years despite my initially driving Jared absolutely insane. I tend to talk a lot and get on a roll where things just come out of my mouth with no filter and Jared usually just bangs his head on a table; whilst Jessica patiently gives me a look and I know I have said something really jaded, rash, moronic, or just need to stop… there. Through the two of them I have learned to be less ignorant, less jaded, and way more open minded… Fairly certain this will never extend to Jared’s love of Modest Mouse, but I have tried.

They helped me escape a situation, they knew, that I had to see for myself  what it was before I could walk away and were there to gently help me put it all back together. Together they have continued to help me heal and learn what love is. They have expanded my horizons and given me strength I did not know I had. Jessica has listened to me patiently, talk about nothing other than myself… she has become the voice of reason and logic in my life and head… and Jared has become the brother I wish I had. My love for these two people knows no bounds and I cannot give them anything other than this. My simple words of gratitude, awe, and love. I have never been more honored to know two people and grow with two people in my whole life.

I raise my glass to you, Jessica and Jared as you join in your union today. I am with you always, in your hearts and by spirit. I love you both with my whole heart. You are amazing and deserve more than any shiny trinket I could buy you from Uzbekistan or Turkmenistan or whatever “Stan” I told you I had bought you something from… I had not obviously… I only have this for you. Blessings on your marriage and your love that was obvious to any quiet observer from the very beginning. Cheers to you my friends and in the words of my Irish heritage I toast to you:

May your mornings bring joy and your evenings bring peace.

May your troubles grow few as your blessings increase.

May the saddest day of your future

Be no worse than the happiest day of your past.

May your hands be forever clasped in friendship

And your hearts joined forever in love.

Your lives are very special,

God has touched you in many ways.

May his blessings rest upon you

And fill all your coming days.

I love you.

~a

Yes, it may be cheesy to you…. but I grew up on this music and I always dreamt that this song would play at my wedding one day. The words are powerful and if I could sing or write a song I would hope to write like this. <3

On this other blog.... I have....

I have a new author on my old food blog!  Since things are returning to normal and the cooking is falling back to me around here of late, I have felt a huge guilt at not posting my recipes since I last posted!  I am so happy that a new found friend offered to co-author the Food Blog to help me out!  Running two blogs, and a school.... and well just everything else was a whole lot of daunting!  Go check out her first post and as always comments are adored!  Subscribe, vote, follow, we are on Facebook, Picket Fence Blogs.... etc.  Check us out you will be glad you did!


Blue Jean Foodie Queen: Simple Authentic Quick Pasta Sauce:                

Hi I am Jennifer. Amanda told me to indroduce myself which I think is what made me the most nervous about posting on the Blo...