Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Engelbert Humperdink: Pt. 2 of Draco to Tiny Race Cars

Engelbert Humperdinck:
Part Two of Draco to Tiny Race Cars
“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” ~Albert Einstein
For the second installment of this tragic saga of horrible dates of which I am truly only skimming the surface of things, I have abided in hopes of finding that one true love. As shocking as it may seem to you I am a hapless, hopeless, closet romantic. romantic-picture24In that quest, I have been willing to overlook some habits, teeth, significant height differences, and horrendous breath in order to give a poor gentleman a chance. That is not to say he won’t become the subject of my writings one day but at least to be fair I do change their names. Mostly to protect the “innocent” and selfishly to protect myself from asshole creepers; they are out there.
I am having some difficulty pinpointing one particular date for this chapter of the tale. Today my mind seems to wander to the good ones. The one I still long for, the one I never could figure out what happened, the best friend I had to let go, and the one that got away. They are the ones that I use as standard bearers for all the men I have dated. That is not to say that I have rejected gentlemen who did not meet all their images2unique qualities; more often I tend to ignore reason and attempt to save the pitiable “strays” I find or that follow me home; thus my tales of hilarity and sometimes heartbreak.
Twice I have had my name come back to bite me in the ass. 


First in high school from a guy I occasionally caught a ride to school with. I suppose I knew he had a little crush on me; I ignored it because I knew he had someone he called a girlfriend though he was a scoundrel and I was never sure he knew what the term girlfriend meant. Being a true Southern girl, I love big trucks. I am a sucker for all the stereotypical “Southern Male” traits.LSK43287 This guy had a nice truck, but every time he picked me up the Waylon Jennings song “Amanda” played ALL the way to school. He had some super extended long version of the song I have never found to be in existence. It is not a bad song but after hearing it for 20 minutes you really start to want to rip the tape deck or CD (I cannot remember which he had) out of the dash.

I do love this song…. but on repeat?

Several years later, I met up with a guy for a first date. He had one of the nicest cars of any guy I have ever gone on a date with. This time… the Boston song “Amanda” was blaring. When I say blaring I do not mean just really loud; I mean really fucking LOUD. images3Ear-splitting, eardrum bleeding, brain hemorrhage loud; to the point I could feel the vibrations through the car as it drove up. It is a great song but at 120 decibels, or whatever it was, it was not even music anymore.
Take note kiddies that loud music you “bump” WILL cause hearing loss.

Again… a good song… but not at deafening levels.

In this guy’s case brain damage; once he had managed to work out that I was not getting in the car he turned it down and rolled down the window. I am thinking to myself Sweet Jesus does he only date girls that have names he can match with a freaking song? B34902<br />Either way, he leans across the seat and asks if I want in. I look at him dead in the eye and tell him I was hoping he was going to turn the music down and come open the door for me. He laughed. Throughout the date, the song would reappear in the playlist. Each time he would mouth the words to me at any stop or pause or chance he got. I do not think I have to explain that impressing me with your knowledge of the lyrics to Boston songs is not really a panty dropper.k060lx

Is this really what romance has become; cheesy songs and the forgetting of basic gentleman behaviors? Has chivalry really died? Did the feminist movement really kill it? Feminists_killed_chWhat happened to guys that bring you flowers on the first date or just anytime for no reason? Where is the guy that opens your door, not because he doesn’t think you can but because it is the nice thing to do? I want a guy that will not wear dirty boots/sneakers and ripped-up jeans the first time I introduce him to my parents. It is my parents, not fucking Tommy Lee. What happened to guys that know better than to curse in front of small children (no, not the pot calling the kettle black, I do know when to mind my language) and do not swerve to hit the cuddly animal crossing the road and then scream out the points they just scored as I hold back my vomit?
Are there still men out there who know that real women eat food and do not look like Gisele Bundchen? Sorry to inform you suckers, but Giseles happen to Tom Bradys and Leo DiCaprios, not you. Angelina Jolie gets Brad Pitt… average guys do not typically score that type of woman. The reason, you may ask; is because only other celebrities know that part of the business is hiding the bulimia.
That being said I am not looking for a superstar-looking man. I do firmly believe though that all women deserve to be treated like they are superstars.Chivalry_2 Ladies, sorry that does not mean you get to act like a diva. You should treat your respective man like he is your superstar. Unless either of you commit a “Deal Breaker” why wouldn’t you treat each other that way? My grandparents and parents do/did and they have never been divorced. There is no shame in thinking the girl you are out with is the most beautiful goddess you have ever freaking seen. Stop acting like fuckwits.

Enough of that tangent of a soap box…

In high school when I was still pretty new to the dating scene (obviously) I turned down a guy because he had long hair; I was attempting to let him down easy, you know give him something totally bitchy and picky so he would leave me alone thinking I was superficial. By the way that does not work, even now as an adult. This guy we will call him Hogan 233315-hulk_hogan___ripping_shirt_as_champ___copy_largebecause he loved to lift weights and he needs a name because he is actually likely to come up again in another blog, another day. Hogan shows up at school the next day with a shaved head. Now what? Clearly, as an adult, I can see the flipping weirdo flag there. As a hormonal, idiot, teenager… yes I said idiot because something happens when hormones start pumping, guys can do nothing but stare at your boobs and girls become bitchy and total vapid morons at least when it comes to the opposite sex. awesommmeee-film-funny-idiot-mean-girls-Favim.com-126925_largeAnyway, as a hormonal idiot, bitchy, vapid moron teenager I thought this Samson-esque offering was romantic and kind of sweet. Hogan did have nice deep brown eyes… and he was a good kisser once I let him kiss me. He did turn out to have a violent temper and be a heavy smoker. My parents hated him and my friends thought he was an asshole. All I could see was he was a bad boy and I was gonna fix him; save him from the tragic life ahead of him… see… Vapid. Freaking. Moron. 
Bad first dates are something of a collector’s item of mine. Like teddy bears and snowmen… I have a remarkable collection of horrible first-date tales. I Halloween3Conradmet a guy at a club once and needed a date for a formal event. I asked him if he would be interested in accompanying me. As anyone can tell you judgment about first dates in clubs should be made once the house lights come up and you have had several large glasses of water. I was absolutely convinced that this witty, dance machine was the one for this event. So we exchanged numbers and I went on my merry way. Planning ensued and I gave him the address to my building and he picked me up.
In the biggest car, I have ever seen! I do not know what it was, but I can tell you it was baby shit brown and made the parent’s old sweat hog look like a Mini Cooper.2009_11_20_1036_134 He insisted on valet as it was a “vintage” car and fully stock inside. Usually when I hear that it means that the guy tracked down original parts to replace pieces in the car; not this one… it still had a condom stuck to the floor in the back that I am fairly certain was the one that broke when he was conceived. The splits in the vinyl seats were truly period pieces and the eight-track player… well that WAS special. It had one eight-track cassette stuck in it, Engelbert Humperdinck. No lie.

This song too…. S E X Y

So I arrived at the formal event in uh, err, an interesting hoop ride style. Unfortunately, I did not notice in the burnt-out light of the car that his suit did not match and he wore white athletic socks. He assured me though that his mother told him it would be fine when she loaned him the car. He was 25. I nodded and said they were really nice socks and of course, blue tuxedo jackets go with black tuxedo pants. The Airwalk sneakers he was wearing were actually black, mostly. Fashion and hoop ride aside, I was willing to deal with it. Guys usually take their jackets off and who was going to really notice except everyone I was friends with? It was when he smiled, that was the real crux of the issue.LoughnerMugCrop-400x339

Something in his smile made you flinch. Maybe it was the serious lack of orthodontic work, the cheddar shade of white on his teeth, or just the creepy Joker-style smile he had. (Jack Nicholson Joker, not Heath Ledger Joker… might have been able to work with Heath Ledger's…) Riding home listening to the soothing vocals of Humperdinck I realized I was probably in the car of a serial killer. imagesHe asked if I wanted to be escorted to my door and I could feel his Jeffery Dahmer smile boring into the side of my face. I think that is literally the fastest I have exited a car and ran around my building so that he couldn’t see the entrance or door I might be going to. Manson-style smiles equal deal breakers.


  1. Hilarious...You need a wingman to steer you away from these types, lol! "No, Amanda...just keep walking..." There are still guys out there that open doors, bring flowers and such. The Englebert Humperdinck tune is a nice touch.

    1. I think I just need to learn how to say NO GET AWAY FROM ME! STRANGER DANGER!

  2. Lol...and get a tazer...seriously...I know people...Could get you a great deal...

    1. Yeah but you legally have to warn them before you taze them. SO I am thinking that Krav Magra class will teach me just how to beat some ass....

  3. What is this thing you call..."legal"? There is no legality when it comes to safeguarding your own safety...so taz away to your hearts delight!