The thud sound will
forever be etched in my memory. I don’t
know if I will ever be able to erase it from mind, the look on her tiny little
face as she lay there perplexed at what had just happened. Frozen in stunned
silence we both just sat there for a second, then a tiny wail came up from the
floor. It had happened, everyone told me
it would; I had told myself I would never let it happen. I had, technically, dropped my infant. It was really more of a roll off the ottoman
where I had laid her to change her diaper.
In my mind though it felt as if I had thrown her off a cliff. She was fine of course, but for the most agonizing
of moments I thought she might not be.
So began the worst
post-partum day I have had. It was the
first time I really came to realize that it was just me and my baby girl. I do not have a spouse or a S.O. to pass her
off to. Yes, I am quite blessed in that
I have my mother, but 90% of the time it is just the baby and I. Even as I type this she is tucked into the
swing behind me, cooing away, and singing her sweet songs. So much reality hit me that day, with that
small thud. I cried for the rest of the
day. She was fine and I was fine but something
in me broke, things that I had not allowed to the surface during my entire
pregnancy. When I was carrying her I
worked very hard at preventing negativity and sad feelings because I did not
want her to feel them. I feel I was
fairly successful at that, but she’s no longer attached to me physically and
the floodgates broke. Everything just
came pouring out, I could not contain it anymore.
The full weight of
being a single mother fell on me as she toppled to the floor. She did not have even a mark on her, but I
felt like I had been gutted. I never
want her to
doubt my love for her because it is so real it overwhelms me at
times. It would be my wish for her that
she never has to face the realities I do.
I have serious worries now that I never thought twice about before….
really serious stuff…. Like how I will ever manage to teach her to whistle,
when I myself cannot whistle. Seriously
I cried over that once early in my pregnancy, it was one of those weird preggo
freak outs. I worry I won’t be able to
provide for her, or send her to college.
I worry that I will have to work three jobs just to make ends meet,
because I cannot count on any spouse to help support us. What will become of my
social life? How will I provide her with all the wonderful things a father
does?
I have a terrible cry face... |
My identity doesn’t
seem to fit anymore and it crushed me. I
am slowly working to rebuild the structure of who I am and how I see myself.
Hopefully I will come out of this better on the other side of this transitional
period. I just wish someone had
prepared
me for the blow. It was my thought that
having a baby would be all joy and light, but there are some serious
adjustments that have to be made not just in your life but emotionally as
well. Things you never think of until
something like that moment happens and it lands in your heart like a little
rock, with a thud.
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