Wednesday, April 11, 2012

And Pizza on Fridays

And Pizza on Fridays

Something happens when the real world arrives at your doorstep in the form of a cap and gown. capngownThe pretty cords, the tassel, the school colors, and all the excitement of 13 years of what for most of us is the same people, the same friends and either growing up under a sibling’s shadow or setting one for yours.

College is for the first couple years pretty much more of the same. I will admit that English in high school was not the same level they expected out of me in college; but it was still more comma faults and papers, reading and analysis. berry-break-33-3Math was never my friend so that was just more of me being bored and desperately trying not to fall asleep. I saw a lot of the same people from my high school at the local college I first attended, here in North Carolina. So in that respect, it had not changed; but it was different. Life had changed.


I had a job; one that expected me to be there whether I had a big assignment due or not. I realized the first day of my “summer” as shithitsthefanI walked out the door to drive to work that though I was not yet 18 the real shit had hit the fan. Most of my friends still in high school were in bed and likely would be until noon. I was out the door on a muggy Monday morning at seven; when it hit me that the “fun” was over at least as I had known it.

Change has not stopped since the moment I turned my tassel. The American Pie movie, American Reunion

I really want to see this!
and its trailer where the guy says something like no matter what, we will always be friends, and we will always be there for each other. It has me thinking. Honestly, as much as that makes me tear up with utter nostalgia and I know my moving for my senior year and not returning right away or forming any real significant bonds here, like I had in Seattle, has affected my experiences. I think for everyone though the experience is not much different whether you move across the country or just out of your parents’ house into that craptasitc first apartment. You know the one; you ate more Ramen noodles than you ever dreamed was humanly Top_Ramen_chicken_flavorpossible, or ice cream for dinner just because you could… oh who the hell am I kidding… you got drunk and for good measure jumped up and down on your bed and ran around flickering the lights. Why? Because you effing could. Typically the roommate was a friend emphasis on was, unless you were dorm bound, and then who knows? I was a commuter student but have heard some real horror stories…

Like a girl who constantly had phone sex with her boyfriend back home whether anyone else was there or not. I probably would have had to kill that bitch. Picture it, you have your friends over for a quick run-over of some outline for a repeat of your senior AP lit class, now called Lit 101… and across the four-foot phonesex1969.jpgcell of yours is Zsa Zsa sexy pants talking to her boyfriend about what she is definitely not wearing. It is not like she could tell him she was in sweats and her college t-shirt, now could she? So there she is whispering all the dirty nasty things she could do IF only they were together. I would get so sick of it I think I would rip the phone out of the wall; yes I just aged myself I was in college when cell phones were not that common… problem? Then I would likely attempt to garrote her with the cord. Either way, it is best that I did not dorm.

I had my own problems with my trust fund baby roommate in my craptastic apartment. She smoked and we had agreed no smoking in the apartment, which went from her smoking on the patio to, on cold nights begging to open the window and stay inside… First-lesson kiddies never, never give in… she sat next to the open window and a few weeks later it was open freaking season she smoked in her room all the time. Then complained about the apartment smelling funny, “Uh sugar, bless your heart… that is your smoke mixed with my Lysol”…XREC4376 not a pleasant smell… the final straw between us was when she attempted to seduce my best friend who we all called Backstreet. (He did look as though he should be in a boy band.) Then she moved in with a friend, who used up all the hot water no matter when I took a shower, she had already used the hot water…. And brought with her a kitten, strictly a violation of our lease, and the kitten was the portent of Satan it was not even cute. I think it got mangled in utero or something and its claws belonged to an eagle. So yeah seduce the best friend that any deaf, dumb, and blind person knew I was head over heels for… then move in Satanic, mangled, eagle talon wielding, attack kitten 1752283_ca94_625x1000and some cow who had some obsession with hot water and you have yourself one pissed off southern chick. We won’t even cover the hugely fat guy that got disgustingly drunk and passed out in the doorway of my bedroom’s bathroom (I won the toss for the master!). So I was forced to sleep my first night out of my parent’s home with the blob in my room on the floor; he farted and snored all night… loudly. I did not know it at the time, but that was my first lesson in living with a man.


All I remember now is plotting ways to kill the roommate while she slept. That’s illegal and I really am a gentle person so of course I did not kill her. She went on to move out without giving me notice. POOF! Gone. I see her sometimes, and she is still the same. Nothing seems to have changed for her at all since she turned her tassel;061511-amity-grad2BW_fitbox_400x1000 I guess maybe it is different if you have millions coming to you in full at 25. Obviously, I will never know that for sure.

Then it started the avalanche of wedding invitations, then baby showers, and now birthday parties. I am the last of my friends from high school to really have avoided a serious long-term relationship. Most of the guys I attract are seriously defective and I end up losing their number or in one case moving out in the middle of the night. (That was actually a long-term, living together situation… but the only one) Momma calls them “strays” If there is one in a 20-mile radius he will find his way to my door. The last guy I went on a date with was a serious prick. Not a gentleman’s bone in his body, not just a GotJuice1Yankee but a New Yorker (City) with that HEAVY accent, I honestly do not know for sure that either of us understood a single word the other said, but one of my friends swore he was a great guy. He was hilarious (I think) and a lot of fun to hang out with… until I walked in on him and a buddy shooting steroids into each other. Ladies do not speak awful views like that but I will tell say if I worked for Playgirl it would likely have given me inspiration for a photo shoot concept.

So here I am “the single one”. Odd man out; by Southern standards, I am an old maid. Not being married in a huge white wedding by the end of your twenties is unfathomable here. 99999999999At first, I got the invites to all the things… all the showers, first birthdays, and christenings… then I just got announcements about some event happening. The invites were going to others who had kids to bring with presents and distraction, or if no kid a husband in hopes that all four you become fast friends! Sigh. Now it is an occasional picture Christmas card or Facebook game invite.


Do not misunderstand me, I have friends. It just changes. I did not make all the changes at the same pace as my other friends so now when I get invited to something it is usually a “setup”. Some poor sap awkward-family-pet-photos-4that someone works with who has no social skills and speaks fluent Elvish is told epics about my beauty and personality, all blown way out of proportion and lured like a moth to a flame he arrives to meet… just me, who is served up like a golden calf. If I even catch a whiff of a hint of a set up I suddenly become violently ill, and therefore unable to attend. It always just ends badly. Please if you are going to set your single friend up with someone try to find someone who shares an interest or more than one interest with the girl you are foisting this guy on.

The friends I have are great and I am thankful for them. I have just found that it is not anything like American Reunion. You lose touch, besides Facebook, priorities change, outlooks, plans, and life all change. My truest friends are spread the world over and some I haven’t seen in years. I have no real “best friend” anymore; not like in high school where you called and talked for hours about nothing, or saw each other every day and had Pizza on Fridays pizzatogether. I miss my best friend, my circle of friends that I would have done anything for. I do not know how you make “best friends” in adult single life, or if that even exists. Once you marry the priority is your husband or wife, right?

Life is a journey and I am walking it differently than anyone else I know. Perhaps that is for the best, for me. I just never wanted to believe that my mother could be right about any damn thing ever… and she was.


“Life is changing, baby” she would tell me for every move, every new school, every hurt, and every wedding I watched another friend slip away.





  1. Replies
    1. Thank you Shanna. I felt way more vulnerable with this post than I have with any others... even the vlog....
      I have held it back for a while now. Just reading it over and over; not sure if I wanted to throw myself out there with this or like this. I guess I finally decided I didn't promise to always be funny. Just to confess...

  2. True. You write better material when you write from your heart. I really did love this one! Great job!

    1. I am glad... it is all true! I really do miss everyone. It is so hard to find meaningful relationships with other women now that we are all grown up. Like I said I don't know if it was the move that changed that for me, and no one else experienced... but the bonds I made in high school in Kent are the ones that have held the longest. I just miss those people and I guess I will never know for sure if it is just nostalgia or the people themselves. I love all of you so much! <3 hugs to you General and your beautiful family. Or is la familia? or is that Italian? Oh who the hell am I kidding I took Japanese.

  3. Life does change when first moving out of home.. It rarely runs smooth but they are life lessons we need to learn..I enjoyed the read